The Difference with Matt & Kendal Hagee – “Unbearable Sorrow. Unstoppable Joy.”

There are events that shake us and tragedies that might even break us. But, even in our darkest hour, there is always hope. Artist and musician, Tedashii, explains that there was a time in his life when he experienced excruciating loss. God used his community to help heal the brokenness so that Tedashii could continue ministering to others through his music, giving God the glory in the middle of unspeakable tragedy.

there are events that shake us and

tragedies that might even break us but

even in our darkest hour there’s always

hope in today’s episode hip hop artist

Tadashi shares his Unforgettable story

about tragedy healing and Walking with

God through life’s toughest challenges

don’t go anywhere you need to hear

[Music]

this he’s a rapper podcast to public

speaker husband and father Our Guest

today Tadashi welcome back to the

program thank you for having me thank

you thank you thank you always honor to

be here so you know in Ministry and and

yours being a Ministry that involves

music and and that Dynamic what would

you consider to be the central theme

yeah of what you want to present in your

music purpose and identity those two

things are huge for me uh when I was

young excuse me when I was young in my

faith I read this book uh by Christian

therapist and his name is Robert S McGee

he’s went on to be with the Lord but he

was from Dallas and he wrote a book

called The search for significance yeah

you know this book I know this book oh

my good people don’t know this book I’m

sorry I’m I’m so hyped right now people

don’t normally know this book so I read

this book as a young Christian and it

solidified for me the fact that there

was significance already in me it’s so

easy to think at times well I don’t

really matter to God because those

people that do XYZ they matter I want

people to recognize you have purpose and

significance just because you bear the

image of God but beyond that what are

you going to do with that purpose so I

want to angle you and encourage you to

go that way now about 10 years ago you

faced a series of tragedies that really

had a tremendous impact on your life and

and what you want to communicate in the

message of your music what were those

and how did they have an impact on you

yeah yeah so

um uh first my uh my stepmother passed

away from breast cancer and she you know

stepmom’s they’re either close to you or

not close to you um but when I first met

her she pulled me in and by myself in

the house and she said I just want you

to know I love you like you’re my own I

know I know you’re not my son but I’m

going to love you like you’re my own and

then she hugged me and started crying

and she was so happy that we met um and

so the the backstory to that is I didn’t

grow up with my father I met him later

in life when I was in college and so

when I met him I really met her for the

first time both of them together so for

her to do that it always meant a lot to

me it was like oh I matter to you as

well um and so when she passed it and

you could feel it I felt it it was

genuine and it was consistent like it

wasn’t just a moment it was she did it

year after year it was a nurturing thing

because I mean if you’re meeting your

dad who’s a stranger and you’re meeting

your stepmom who’s a stranger they’re

kind of on equal footing very much so

very much so and so where I where I

might have felt obligated to try to

fight to connect with him more I didn’t

necessarily feel that going to meet her

for the first time but she did and she

was intentional and so when she passed

it was it was very hard because I’m just

I’m sad for my my dad losing his wife my

my siblings to lose their mom and then

for me to lose a woman who loved me like

I was her own that love was real and so

it hurt a lot and then from

there year later um my sister passed

away from leukemia and she was 30 at the

time wow and so I I watched my dad bury

his daughter I watched my siblings mourn

their sister after losing their mom and

I’m sitting here going I’ve never I’ve

never really lost a relative that close

my stepmom yes but this is different

because I just met them I didn’t know

them so lose her so soon into the

process of knowing her um it it it

brought a different level or a different

type of experience to the grief I felt

um and I’m sitting with my dad and I’m

again we’re new in relationship but I’m

trying to console and understand and

then fast forward nine months later my

wife and I we lose our one-year-old son

Chase and he passes away and so now I’m

in the place where my dad was and I

don’t know what to do and so back to

back back to back were these tragedies

that took place that I I don’t think I

was really prepared for who does at all

no one no one I mean I definitely

was taking the Reigns when my stepmother

passed I mean I’m going to handle all

the funeral arrangements I’m going to do

everything that needs to happen talk to

the doctor talk to these people when my

sister passed I was present and helpful

some but I really was trying to console

my my dad but I didn’t know how I don’t

know how to say what do you say to

somebody who loses their child

then to be the one in his

shoes it it was almost like okay life is

against me I see now it and it feels

like grief is following me so I don’t

like you’re being haunted exactly and so

I was like I don’t want to I don’t want

to do anything here anymore God just

take me now I’d rather not be here yeah

and

and you know you get to a place

where you wondered can it hurt any worse

mhm

will it ever get any better how do you

crawl out of that because you got to

crawl out of it you can’t walk out of it

you can’t run out of you don’t run out

of it um so two things come to mind with

the idea of how do you crawl out of it

um the first thing is I had to mourn not

just my son but my hopes for

him you don’t you don’t think that will

happen so it’s not natural no so even

before he was here I’m dreaming of what

he’s going to be even while he’s here

and his name is Chase and I’m I’m

holding Chase I’m like man you’re going

to you’re going to be this you’re going

to be I’m Dreaming for him so for him to

leave this world I also had to mourn and

let go of the dreams and the hopes and

the

the aspirations that I had for his life

um and that was probably the hardest

thing ever aside from the loss itself

was mourning and grieving those things

and then that started the crawl I would

say that what kept the crawl going

was having people in my life who wanted

to be with me no matter where I was in

this journey yeah um they weren’t

judgmental they

weren’t they weren’t

just wanted me to do Christian stuff

like oh man well I know you’re hurting

let’s read the Bible together God’s word

is all power I mean

powerful and yet I just need a hug man

yeah they’re just going to be there just

be there for me so people were there

they just stayed they came in and they

would sit with me and they would just

hug me and hold me they would sometimes

just cry alongside of me and we told our

friends early on

um we

we we know you’re trying to be

respectful by being silent about Chase

but that’s our son we want to talk about

him forever so it’s okay to say his name

it’s okay to talk about him um so people

come up now and they’re like man so how

many kids you have and I’m like I have

four boys you know at the time I just

had Jaden and Chase uh and now we have

Kalen and Kai but I’m like I’m the

father of four boys um but I had to have

a community around me who would be

willing to Journey with me as I figured

all of that out and not be quick to

judge my my words or my actions

or be uncomfortable around sadness and

having that allowed me to know that I

was going to be cared for in the moments

where I honestly didn’t want to or know

how to care for myself the story isn’t

over we’ll be right

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Prosper welcome back to the differ we’re

here with Tadashi discussing the three

backtack tragedies that tested his faith

and pushed him to the edge so you were

telling us about the three tra um

tragedies how did you have friends that

surrounded you that comfort you tell us

a little bit about that how did you

identify a real one from a fake yes

that’s what I’m saying how did you know

that one that was just cuz at first

everybody wants everybody’s there yes

but you really found

out when you walk through those kinds of

Seasons you really ident have to say

real friend fake friend yes very much so

uh so in order to identify the friend or

at least answer that I need to guess

give a little bit of the back story um

my son Chase passes away uh the doctor

says it’s natural causes um so we are

grieved but relieved because we were

afraid we did something but it didn’t

necessarily answer all the questions cuz

now we’re like well why now God like

okay so nothing just happened per se but

naturally something did and now we know

you’re in charge of all these things God

what what happened here so I was

devastated I grew up in the faith

choosing to not just be a guy on the Pew

I’m going to lead small groups I’m G to

I got ordained at 23 in the Missionary

Baptist Church I’m going to make my life

about sharing the gospel so to get to

this point and have a family I honestly

had let myself believe that I deserved a

king’s Ransom man when I go from this

world it’s going to be me on my bed with

all my kids around me my grandkids

everybody there was singing and and

crying and praying but I’m celebrating

I’m going home to Glory that’s right but

that’s not my story yeah um and I was

heartbroken about that and then

eventually that heartbreak turned to

anger it was about 6 months where I was

trying to be like Martha like you need

something who needs something let me

clean this let me drive you here no

y’all don’t have to cook I got it don’t

worry and that was was about all the all

the distance I could go in My Own

Strength was about 6 months and that’s

when I broke um and when it really hit

home for real that I wasn’t I didn’t

have to go down the hall and and change

diapers anymore I I wasn’t having to go

wake up somebody from a nap and that was

the entrance of this new normal that

that was breaking my heart and I was I I

went

from optimistic to angry and anyone that

g

I tell them you have the opportunity to

either be constructive or

destructive and I chose to be

destructive in my anger the way I spoke

to my wife the way that I would

disappear I I I often would use what was

comforting as a kid as a coping

mechanism in this moment so food became

my vice um I mean I grew up in the south

in Texas in near East Texas so food and

love are synonymous synonymous brother I

ate fried catfish every day yeah if I

love you I’m going to feed you I’m going

to feed you if I love you you going to

eat good here and so I would often go to

the places where love felt the realist

which was where they were making the

food escapism and I would go to the

escapism but then I I ended up going

even further down the dark tunnel of it

all because I realized I didn’t realize

what it would be like to be a public

figure and grieve publicly so I didn’t

want to be myself anymore I wanted to be

someone else my father my biological

father is from an island in the South

Pacific Samoa so I was like I’m out I’m

going to Samoa I’m just GNA go there and

I basically decided to punt my life I’m

done here I don’t want to be here

anymore um and the Darkness became even

more real eventually I began to be

isolated from people I wasn’t willing to

be in community I didn’t want to be

around people honestly I would sneak

away and go to Houston and I would CU we

living in Dallas at the time and I’d go

back to my old my old crew in Houston

and I would get high with them I was

drinking to numb pain and I was losing

Liv two different lives living two

different lives I was losing myself but

I was okay with it cuz the the true

version of me had to face that pain and

I didn’t want to face it yeah now the

real friends not the fake

ones were attentive to that they could

see it the real friends came and got me

they weren’t ready they weren’t waiting

for me to clean myself up to then be

worthy of their company they came came

and got me they weren’t praying for you

in the far country they they they came

and dug you out of the pit they came and

dug me out of the pit exactly and what I

what I realized was I was having my own

Garden of Gethsemane moment where it was

like God I don’t want that cup you got

to let that cup pass I don’t want that

and unwilling to accept not my will your

will be done I didn’t want that and the

more I had to accept God’s will the more

I wanted to wrestle with god um but

there’s a a good friend who recently

passed his name is Tim Keller and he

wrote a book on suffering and he talks

about how when we suffer we either

become the moralist or we become the

cynic I became both moralists say man

God if I had just read my Bible more

went to church more prayed more this

this wouldn’t have happened you wouldn’t

have took my son but on the other side

of it you become the cynic and you go

well God you just don’t care I did all

this for you I did all this for you and

you did nothing for me I’m done here you

were just out to lunch when this

happened and we we I realize both we

become one or the other because in

reality we we’re trying to control God

we want to control the outcome and God

is not the god to be controlled by us at

all in any capacity you know in any

capacity I know many of you who are

watching you’ve gone through tragedy in

your own life and you want to know are

you cared for I want you to know there

is a God who cares deeply about every

aspect of your being and if you believe

in him you need to understand understand

this he truly believes in you we’ll have

more of this conversation when we come

back to the difference with Tadashi

you’re watching Kendall and I and we’re

thankful that you’re

[Music]

here I’m so grateful that I chose

differently I’m so happy that I chose

you I get to see you become the person

God intended you to be thank you heggy

Ministry Legacy Partners there has never

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Christ with a mother and a child then

right now when you partner with hey

Ministries your legacy impacts lives and

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partner I think a couple of takeaways

from just hearing your testimony about

this process it’s a process yes and in

many ways it doesn’t have a conclusion

mhm it just has as a continuation as you

begin

to understand who you are yeah and who

God is yeah and you know as a pastor who

gets to walk through Seasons like this

with church members yes and and you know

in some respect you know is you’re

trying to comfort your dad in the loss

of his wife and and you’re trying to

comfort the family in the loss of a

sister mhm you know it’s frustrating

when you don’t have an answer yeah you

know as a pastor people look at you and

say pastor Pastor why yes and you know

you’ve been to school you’ve got a

degree you you you’ve you you’ve read

books they haven’t read you know McGee

you know you know I mean you’re supposed

to be inter you’re supposed to have this

intellect and sometimes all you can do

is just hold them and cry that’s it man

you know and and and not give an answer

to why that’s it and yet also understand

that every promise that God

made isn’t for this life that’s right

there’s promises that a’t going to

they’re not going to be fulfilled until

the next one you know I mean think about

it in this context that’s good and we

want what we want now now now bro and

and and I need an answer now I need to

know now I need to feel it now I need to

see it now I need for it to be now yeah

and and God’s saying not yet yeah the

the not yet for me was probably the

hardest thing because I didn’t I didn’t

know how to reconcile tragedy in the

life of someone who was fighting so hard

for you I don’t get that I don’t know

that and someone shared with me and at

the time honestly if I’m being honest it

wasn’t comforting to hear but eventually

it seldom is in the in the in especially

in the heaviest parts of the pain but

someone was like the very God who you’re

crying out to knows what it’s like to

lose a son as well and I was like don’t

I don’t don’t say that to me and now I’m

like I’m so grateful you know what it’s

like because on the other side I get to

see oh yeah you were with me in this you

didn’t forsake me that happened but you

didn’t forsake me and so one of the one

of the beauties of um reading Tim

Keller’s book he he points out this idea

in in all of what we see God is still in

control now we would say at least I did

well God if you’re in control just stop

it from happening if you’re in control

why would you let it I want off the bus

God I don’t want this ride

and in reality when I look at

Temptation sin

suffering it really is the enemy who

causes all of this if you look at the

story of Job Satan goes before God to

get permission to be able to go in and

and bring pain to somebody’s life and he

says have you considered my servant job

and he’s like okay J sure but the beauty

of that that verse to me or that

passage God says you can do this but

don’t touch him touch him you can do

that but don’t touch his body in his in

his sovereignty he permitted but then he

also stopped him he also so Satan is

always on a leash but the God was not in

heaven like man when is Satan going to

show up because I’m ready for somebody

to go through something that wasn’t it

it was the other way around Satan is

going to go do it regardless but he’s on

such a leash that God’s like well I know

you’re going to go do it so let me aim

this well and and even in that you know

I’ll take you back to your playing days

yeah yeah yeah when you were preparing

for an opponent mhm you watch game film

mhm and and as the competition you would

sit there and analyze everything yes

when they line up like this he’s going

to get the ball when they get in this

formation they’re going here when I see

this I know I got to go there the enemy

does the same thing with our lives very

much so he watches game film on us yeah

and he knows our Tendencies and he knows

when we get in this posture what our

tendency is in terms of reaction he

knows that when these things happen this

is how we’re going to turn out yes and

so you know understanding that I I think

that people you know don’t necessarily

give the devil is due no I agree he’s

been watching your game film for decades

for decades and so he’s like the moment

that I get the chance to put this bait

yeah out here in front of him I’m not

going to do it when he’s strong yeah man

I’m not going to do it whenever he can

look at me and go no and he builds the

resistance to me I’m going to do it in

the moment when he’s just broken and

weak and fragile and when I get him down

to nothing that’s when you know I mean

everybody say yeah when when when you’re

down to nothing God’s up to something

well guess what yeah enemy is too the

the the be like what you’re saying is so

powerful because the enemy plays the

long game it’s it sure we may experience

hardship in a moment and Then followed

up by some other hardship later but the

enemy plays the long game it’s not about

about just what happened to you now it’s

about what that did to you and if you

didn’t properly address it what can

happen 15 years later and so I started

to realize you since I was a child I

dreamed about my children I prayed for

my children I wrote names down of what

they would be namey you and me both

brother I’m saying when we started

dating she was like so how many kids do

you want I was like I’m going to have

four and here’s their names here’s their

names I got them like you said what I

was like these are non-negotiables

that’s it I’m listen I was the same way

so the enemy knew early on like oh he’s

he has an affinity for these children

and I love kids like I I grew up in a

home where everybody’s Educators I I

grew up around kids all my life um so

the enemy knew he knew and I and he

played the long game in this regard and

yet again we serve a God who has him on

a leash that’s right he can only go so

far and so even though this this was

allowed I know it was at the hand of the

enemy not not not my not my Father in

Heaven um and then I had friends who

were honest with me man and would say

like I told a good buddy of mine I was

like man he said what what do you need

like I see you struggling we love you

what do you need to be okay like what do

you think you need and I honestly said

this out of my mouth I said God needs to

come to me and apologize for what he did

to me and he said oh okay he said man

I’m so God in heaven needs to come to

you and I said yes and he said man

um if I’m going to be honest with you

bro that’s the most demonic thing I ever

heard in my life and I was like yo you

just said what I was waiting for

consoling I was wait he like yes he like

get you if you don’t be quiet and I was

like oh and he shook me with it but he

but I was so grateful for that word

because it was it was demonic the wounds

of a friend are faithful though yes man

yes he’s like look this going to hurt

but I’m going to set the bone right here

right here and so that moment was a

milestone moment for me because it made

me go no at the end of the day I would

much rather be a wounded soldier in

God’s Army than a fool in Satan’s so I

was like okay God where am I going to be

all right well this is still who you say

you are so I had to go back to the

scriptures to see who God says he is

okay you are a good God you are faithful

you are love okay so how do I reconcile

what I’m going through with the truth of

who you say you are got it I got to get

out of the way and that’s when I had to

go I got to grieve the things that I

really wanted that I really still do

want but then once I was able to do that

I could move to first and second

Thessalonians I don’t grieve as the

world Grieves like I will I don’t grieve

without hope I’m going to see him again

correct I am sad day in and day out

sometimes weeks in and weeks out he

passed in March and that month is a hard

month for our home yeah but in in light

of that I don’t grieve without hope and

and I’m through the Journey of it I’ve

gotten to a place where I’m able to

recognize there is hope the hope is

genuine it’s real it comes from a real

God who promised real things who has the

evidence that hope is real it’s real

Romans 5 hope does not make a shame like

itre it is real he is not going to make

me ashamed in My Hope of him I’m going

to see Chase again and I don’t

know be a glor adult glorified body it

could be the AG was I have no CL and and

back to those questions you can’t answer

those but to things that you are certain

of yes yes you know I mean we we read in

the Book of James and and James

references job yes you’re talking about

Job yeah and it says we count them

blessed who endure who endure who have

seen the end from the beginning and then

and then he goes and he visits job yes

you know and and we have the privilege

of the entire story condensed and handed

to us exactly but job didn’t job’s wife

didn’t you know I always that one of the

most misjudged people in the whole Bible

is Job’s wife I agree I tell people I

said we owe her an apology yes because

not only did she go through went what

job went through yes but she went one

step further she lost job she lost job

yes you know she didn’t just lose her

kids and she didn’t lose the status and

she didn’t lose the business at the end

of the day the man that promised her

I’ll take care of everything and did

yeah is now sitting on an ash Heap and

she’s like and I lose him too yes

now I would what would you think she

looked like if you were going to give me

a picture of her based on the first

three chapters of the book you say well

she’s a little s off four foot lady you

know with a bony finger and you know got

a ward on yeah she’s like you know Jo

totally totally she couldn’t have been

that no cuz he had 10 kids with her the

first time that’s true brother and you

get to the end of the book he had 10

kids with her a second time so when you

having kids in your old age she’s still

looking good she still looks good I hate

to be so you know natural about it but

there’s just 20 kids with one woman

she’s got to be hot she she’s still

she’s still drawing him in somehow

something’s working something’s there

you know say that and to the point we

judge

her we judge her because we get to see

how she reacted in her weakest and most

vulnerable moment yeah MH you we we we

judge her because she said something she

felt yeah

in a moment where she could feel

anything and instead of giving her the

space to feel it and just say go ahead

and let it out we look at it and go how

dare you how would you ever say yes yeah

how dare you yeah man and it’s like no

no no just walk with them just walk with

them through it and and and don’t judge

them for it and then allow God to show

them what his plan is in the back have I

spoke about a friend who spoke to me but

the other person was my wife yeah it

really was it it was it was her

willingness to this either pulls you

together or tears you apart or tears you

apart I got a call from uh mercy me the

morning it happened and the lead singer

Bart is a good friend all of them are

good friends but Bart was like Hey man

um just know the odds are not in your

favor here for marriage like

statistically these marriages don’t make

it yeah but we’re praying another prayer

for you and it was that I mean hearing

it so early on I knew to fight for it

but for the days that I wasn’t able to

my wife wife was fighting for it and I

wanted to think well you’re just mean

and you want what you want and you’re

not really for me and really I’m like oh

you and and now coming out of the grief

of it all uh the the heaviness of it all

she’s like no I was in the closet

praying for you I was over here watching

the kids while you were doing what you

were doing cuz you couldn’t handle her

she calls it my season of sleepwalking

she was like you were here but you were

not here and I had to endure that and I

just go yeah I got a real one so yeah

she you got a partner very much so she

held it down bro so well you know many

of you who’ve walked through difficult

Seasons you wonder where the strength

for the next step comes from sometimes

it comes from the written word of God

sometimes it comes from the spoken word

of God sometimes it comes from hearing

how others endured and believing that if

God helped them he can help you I pray

that you’ve been encouraged by our

conversation today and we thank you for

being a part of and watching the

difference