Advice for Married Couples with Lisa Bevere

you know you are not what you know right

now you are what you possibly can know

in the future so let’s just continue to

understand we’re all on a growth

thing so not long ago I asked some

questions on my Instagram I said what if

you and I spent an hour together over

coffee or just sitting what would we

talk about and I was overwhelmed by the

amount of response that we got I wanted

to know how to love well they didn’t

know what is this going to look like to

be a mother what is it going to look

like to be a wife how how can I not fail

well the truth is that people who live

fearlessly they love fearlessly and this

is going to all be about being Fearless

in different areas of life and what I

want to tackle in these sessions is

loving

fearlessly I believe that God has

actually equipped Us by his holy spirit

where we can love fearlessly and that

means in our relationships in our

marriages it doesn’t matter how we were

raised and what we were brought up with

and so I actually have a list here of

questions that were directed to me that

I’m going to specifically answer so the

first one I’m going to tackle is what is

your advice for young married couples

and I thought of three things I want you

to dream together that’s the first thing

I want you to do dream together that

means you’re going to sit down and

you’re going to share ideas there’s

ideas that Jon shared with me early on

in our marriage that were ridiculous in

that season but there were realities in

our next season but you got to dream at

the beginning so that you recognize it

at the end so I want you to dream

together there is no bad dreams and I’m

just going to say this I’m giving you

the wife permission to dream a lot lot

of times when people get married they

think oh that means I lay down all of my

dreams and it’s all about my husband’s

dream only hey you’re part of dreaming

together see whatever God has on your

life isn’t just you being his helpmate

for his dream but there is a dream in

you and a dream in him and together that

dream gains expression so I don’t want

you to Discount your dreams or think

that they’re silly you do need to share

them in the right Manner and at the

right time so I would create an

opportunity where you can dream together

just you don’t want to do it when you’re

tired or grumpy or you have young kids

running around you want to sit down

together and then you want to dream

together and then the next thing is

you’re going to design together you’re

going to write it down what might that

look like when might that happen just

like designing a house you say I want to

take that dream and give it a reality so

like John and I we sat in a Chinese

restaurant and we dreamed together we

dreamed about Ministry things but we

also dreamed about marriage things and

we dreamed about children things we

didn’t have any children at the time so

we dreamed for our marriage a lot of

people don’t have a dream for their

marriage we dreamed that we would grow

better together that we would be allies

and not enemies that we would have this

chance to actually model something for

other people now I have to tell you that

was a dream because in that season we

were living a nightmare we were living a

nightmare we were in Conflict we felt

like what have we done have we married

the wrong person all of a sudden you’re

a person I don’t like but we dared to

dream when it didn’t look like a reality

so you dream and then you design what is

that going to look like in our life if

we are going to take this dream what

does it look like to design a life

together you have to write it down and

design it and then the third thing

you’ve got to do it because if you dream

it and you design it and you don’t take

action on those things and you’re never

going to see those things become a

reality so John and I said we feel

called to the ministry we didn’t wait

for somebody to say we feel that you’re

called to the ministry we’re going to

give you a platform we actually had

people into our home John started to

teach a singles class which is hilarious

because I think he only had five people

in it but he was diligent he prepared

every single week and he was there

teaching we went into the prisons and

preached the gospel we created

opportunities for the gift of God in our

life that we had dreamed about and

designed to actually take form to

actually do it so dream design do it and

a lot of times when it comes to dreams I

have been more afraid than I should have

I’ve kind of leaned back when I should

have leaned in on something sometimes

your husband will say things that might

scare you sometimes you’ll say things

that scare you but it’s important that

you talk it through because as you talk

it through you can actually sort some

things out and sometimes you’re just

verbally processing it so give each

other permission to dream we brought

brought in a consultant and he said

there is everything is a good idea for

10 seconds so let’s say in a marriage 30

seconds let’s give it 30 seconds so

everything is a good idea and feel okay

about echoing it back and say what are

you actually saying and then what would

this actually look like as you design

and then what can we actually do now so

that’s my advice another thing is don’t

compare yourself to the marriages of

other couples you know John and I we

would go out with other couples and they

would say my husband prays with me every

day I’d be like

what and I felt like there was this

lacking and why wasn’t John praying for

me well there was a little bit of a

season for that because I was making

john spiritually responsible for my

growth and God was like girl you’re

going to have to lean in to me yourself

so don’t compare yourself with other

young married couples maybe what they

have maybe what they’re doing maybe what

their money is maybe how they fight or

don’t fight don’t do it with the your

peers find an older couple an older

couple who is actually where you want to

go it could be 5 years older it could be

10 years older it could be I don’t know

20 30 years older like John N but find

that couple and talk to them and ask

them how they got from where they are to

where they are right now and that way

you’ll learn how to build rather than

feel like why is this not happening for

us you’ll say okay this is a season and

I know how to move into the next season

so that was the advice for young married

couples next question how do you deal

with insecurities in your relationship

well you know first and

foremost I I learned very early on that

John saw what I showed him if I was like

oh my gosh look at my thighs my thighs

are so fat I don’t know what happened

he’ be like wow they have gotten bigger

so I actually watched my husband notice

what I emphasized or if I compared

myself to other people like are my

thighs the same size as her thighs my

husband was like you know I feel like

this is a no WI question for me if I say

that your thighs are smaller then you’re

going to stop working out if I say that

her thighs are smaller then you’re going

to say I said you were fat he was like I

don’t even know what to do but

insecurities physically insecurities in

relationships see this is why we get

married but you don’t focus on what the

other person isn’t and so you shouldn’t

focus on what you’re not go ahead and

find out what your husband loves about

you and then if there’s an area where

you need to grow don’t make it an

insecurity issue make it a growth

opportunity like for example when John

met me I had a suntan which I don’t have

now I had a suntan and a six-pack I was

so buff he thought oh my gosh I want to

marry her I bet she’ll be great with

money I bet she’ll be a great mom I bet

she’ll be a great wife well I was none

of those things all I brought to the

table was a suntan that was about all I

had and so what did I have to do I had

to say wait a minute my husband believes

these things about me or believes that I

have the potential to be all these

things before he figures out I’m none of

it I’m going to actually start to lean

into the word of God talk to people who

know how to handle these kind of things

and I’m going to become that you know

you are not what you know right now you

are what you possibly can know in the

future so let’s just continue to

understand we’re all on a growth thing

and if your husband Compares you to

other women if he’s actually feeding

maybe some of those insecurities you

need to tell him when you do that when

you say I wish you dressed like her or

if you say why don’t you do your hair

that color or what you need to say that

that doesn’t inspire me it shuts me down

I actually sat down with my husband and

we went through a magazine and I said

tell me the kind of clothes that you

like I didn’t let him look at other

people and compare and that kind of

thing so if your husband’s making you

feel insecure you need to be honest with

him and say I want to be the best

version of me for you please don’t

compare me to other people because when

you do that it makes me want to shut

down so we need to get our affirmation

from God but we always need to be open

to growth and then this is the last one

I’m going to be able to handle this

session it is how do you handle a spouse

or a family who are critical of your

beliefs I’m just going to tell you

John’s family thought we were fullon

crazy they were like these people they

are crazy people and every single

holiday they would try to get us in a

fight about why I think your Bible says

or you guys don’t get to do this and

they were constantly baiting us and we

were idiots too we would be like well

the Bible says what they don’t care what

the Bible says and so there was many

years way too many and I don’t know if

this was our fault or their fault I’m

just going to take ownership for our

portion of it joh I been been married

for

36 years I think it’s 37 soon I get it

mixed up but 37 later this year and do

you know what his sister only got saved

two years ago and it wasn’t because of

our brilliant ability to convince her it

wasn’t because we showed her in

scriptures how our ideas were right and

her ideas were wrong it was because we

loved her it was because we loved her

and we welcomed her into our home and

she saw our children and our children

loved her and we didn’t be like oh

that’s an aunt that’s a heathen we were

like you love your aunt we love your

aunt we made her feel welcome and we

were so thrilled that she would finally

come and visited the weird Christians so

we had stopped being weird and when we

gave her welcome she actually came to

hear me speak for the very first time

and when she came to hear me speak she C

red the entire session she said I’m

coming back tomorrow morning on Sunday

and when the pastor gave the altar call

she was the first person running down

love them don’t argue with them it’s

what the Pharisees did the Pharisees

were always trying to probe Jesus and we

have to remember we have the big answer

and that big answer that we have is best

seen not just heard so live it in front

of them love one another Well if they

see this marriage that is beautiful and

wonderful and they don’t see you like uh

we don’t do all your bad things you know

I mean you can you can make decisions

without making another person feel bad

that you’re not participating in it so

you know like we’d be like hey well you

know what we’ like to watch different

movies we’re just going to go to bed

kind of thing so you can you can figure

out a way to do it without slapping them

in the face so I don’t know what’s going

on in your marriage but you have an

incredible opportunity to build your own

legacy when we we would go to see John’s

family we found that they were

celebrating Christmas in a very

different Dynamic than John and I wanted

to celebrate for our children so John

and I again sat down together that

dreaming thing and then we designed

something and we said you know what

we’re going to do we’re going to make

Christmas about Christ we we don’t want

to make it about drinking we don’t want

to make it about Santa Claus we don’t

want we want to make it about the birth

of Jesus Christ and we want our kids to

hear the Christmas story and we want to

go to church beforehand and we want it

to feel like this and so what we did is

we designed what we wanted it to look

like and then we did it but we didn’t

cut anybody out we invited all of them

to come into it and we said you guys are

welcome to come but we knew it was time

to establish a legacy and tradition and

holidays for our family so instead of

thinking I’m just going to be

misunderstood maybe you guys can

redefine what it looks like and invite

other people in you know I hope this is

helping you about how to love fearlessly

I know that we can’t love fearlessly if

we don’t have practical tools so I look

forward to sharing more with

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you