Do You Want Longevity in Your Marriage?

we have to understand there’s Seasons

there’s seasons and it isn’t you’re

working over here loving life and your

husband’s over here loving life but that

you can love life together his success

is your success and your success is his

success

welcome back to Loving fearlessly in all

of these sessions I hope it’s helping

you in your marriage we had so many

people say if I had an hour with you I’d

want to talk to you about marriage so

these are all focusing on how to love

fearlessly in marriage but the thing I

love is it can prepare you for marriage

and these principles transfer to other

areas so here’s another question I got

how do you manage marriage when you are

in the wilderness and your spouse is

loving life and Ministry okay first of

all my first response when I read this

question I’ll be honest with you is be

like hey be glad you’re not both in the

wilderness because I know there was

Seasons when both John and I were in the

wilderness I remember he went out to

pray and we just had this season of Just

A wilderness in our finances A

wilderness in our marriage A wilderness

in our ministry and we’re just barely

surviving and John goes out to pray and

he was like Lisa I was out praying and

he said yes tell me you there’s going to

be good news cuz I’m feeling just as dry

as he’s feeling I’m thinking why did we

quit we should have stayed where we were

at and he said God showed me like like

dead grass like dead dirt and then he

showed me like short grass and then he

showed me tall grass and he said that

the Tall Grass represented what I would

walk in one day and then he said this

was the preparation season and I was

like are we at the tall grass and he’s

like we’re at the end of the dirt we

were not even in the middle section I

just looked at him and said is that

supposed to encourage me is that

supposed to make me feel better so be

happy that your husband and you are not

both in the Wilderness at the exact same

time because I’m just going to tell you

girlfriend it is not a fun season so I

want to ask you though why aren’t you

loving this life with him cuz when your

husband going through good things that

should also be part of what you’re

enjoying too I’m wondering like what’s

going on do you feel isolated from this

do you feel like maybe you’re home with

kids and and your husband’s like

fulfilling his purpose and call and

you’re being left out or maybe there are

maybe this person that wrote this isn’t

feeling that specifically but maybe they

feel like their spouse’s success is not

their success you know I love my

mother-in-law she raised all of these

amazing kids she never worked a day in

her life and I remember my husband

saying something to her like well but

mommy never worked she said don’t you

say that she said I never brought in

money but I saved money I manage the

money so we have to understand there’s

Seasons there’s seasons and it isn’t

you’re working over here loving life and

your husband’s over here loving life but

that you can love life together his

success is your success and your success

is his success and if you’re comparing

one another’s Seasons see sometimes you

do have seasons in a season you have a

season that feels different while

somebody else is having a season like

this but these are seasons that are good

for us these are seasons of strength so

I just want to challenge you on that

what we hear in the Book of Ecclesiastes

and I’m going to read you I’m going to

read chapter 4: 9-10 it says two are

better than one because they have a good

reward for their toil so you’re both

working you’re both working for if they

fall one will lift up his fellow but woe

to him who is alone when he falls and

has no one to help lift him up your

husband is in a season to lift you up

his success isn’t to push you down it’s

to lift you up so I think he just need

to say what’s going on why do I feel

isolated why do I feel like I’m outside

of it are you blocking yourself are you

not valuing what you’re doing this

season are you blaming somebody else are

you blaming someone for leaving you out

I don’t I don’t have the answer to that

but I want you to enjoy this season

because I believe that God understands

that everything in life is seasonal

that’s what he always does another

question how do you help your husband

understand you and your heart without

creating frustration okay this is

something that is going to have to

happen you’re going to have frustration

this is how you grow a baby will never

learn to walk if he does not become

frustrated with the speed of progress

with crawling so if you’re having a

conversation with your husband it’s

probably going to entail frustration but

allow that frustration to cause you to

grow together so I have found for John

and I some of the things things that

have been really helpful is instead of

me like he says something and it hurts

me and me just getting mad and slamming

around the kitchen and giving him grumpy

faces until finally like are you upset

about something I’m like how could you

not know what I’m upset about you know

what I’m upset about he’s like I have no

idea what you are upset about instead of

taking it to an emotionally charged

place and play a guessing game with my

husband maybe I just kind of Step Back

come into his office

and then again applying those principles

of believing the best and say I don’t

think you meant to intentionally hurt me

but when you said this this is how it

felt to me so that way you’re not saying

you are always so mean to me you are

always hurting me you can’t do that the

guys will shut down on the always they

will shut down on the never just like

you do girls shut down on always and

never because there’s no win there’s no

hope there’s no future so having a

conversation and understanding that

conflict is actually part of growth and

so when you have a conversation with

your husband say um let me I’m going to

try she say I may not I may not I may

need your help on how I’m going to say

this but when you do this I know you

don’t mean it this way but this is how

I’m hearing it is is am I hearing it

right and oh no that’s not high minute

or if it is high minute then you need to

say well we need to talk about that

let’s have some conversation and know

knowing your heart takes time it takes

time it takes time but I think sometimes

the best way to actually reveal our

heart to somebody is to be a safe person

for their heart so the more you let your

husband have safety with the things he

tells you the more he’s going to be

understanding about the things that you

tell him so this is a two-way street her

husband’s heart does safely trust in her

he gives you things you’re trustworthy

you don’t tell your friends you don’t

have an emotional reaction that takes

everything hostage you have a

conversation about it the more

trustworthy you are with what he is

saying saying I believe in the best of

you he can hear you more when you say

that really hurt I know you didn’t mean

that but that really hurt I have a

magnificent daughter-in-law living with

me and uh just recently Jessica had an

opportunity to help John with something

John has been used to living with four

Sons he can yell things everybody get

nobody nobody gets their feelings hurt

and Jessica came down was like I am more

than happy to clear that out of the sink

but I would love it if you said it in a

better tone and John was like absolutely

I can do that see so she wasn’t saying I

don’t like it when you talk to me like

that in a combative way she was saying

I’m more than more than happy to work

with you on this I can hear you better

when you say it like this and I think

sometimes that’s what we can do with our

husband

what are the keys to longevity in

marriage I would return to the five

things I stated earlier that you need to

remember you’re going to love fearlessly

you’re going to forgive quickly you’re

going to forgive quickly you’re going to

laugh a lot you’re going to honor one

another and you’re going to fight for

and then I would say there’s one other

one don’t waste time mourning Seasons

that are past don’t be upset remember 5

years ago when we didn’t have a good

marriage remember remember 10 years ago

when you did this or you said that or I

did this and I said that don’t mourn

what’s behind plan again you can dream

dream late in your marriage too my

husband and I are in a new season we are

in a new season of an empty nest is what

it’s called well we’re going to have to

we’re going to have to dream again we’re

going to have to design again we’re

going to have to do it again I don’t

like too much silence so I thought all

right I don’t have to pour out myself to

my sons the way I used to they have

beautiful Brides that are pouring into

their life so what am I going to do well

I’m going to dream that there’s

daughters that can learn from my

horrible choices who will make great

choices in their marriage that they will

dream that they can have a marriage

maybe they never saw in their parents or

maybe they realize that we’re not really

seeing in movies they can dream to have

a marriage they can design it and they

can do it that’s what I want I’m going

to invite more people into my world in a

different way different seasons look

different but when you waste time

regretting or when you waste time

wishing things were different you’re

just going to waste more time going

forward and you’ll look back and say I

wish we would have made that decision a

year ago two years ago or whatever so

you got to just go ahead and not mourn

your past Seasons a lot

of women they got so good at being moms

and they again forgot that there’s a new

season with grandchildren there’s a new

season with just their husband there’s a

new season of young women looking

towards them and if you’re a young woman

I’m going to keep telling you you need

to find an older woman cuz she thinks

that she doesn’t have anything to give

anymore and you know that she has a lot

to give so I want you to Lean Into The

Wonder of your season and not regret so

so take those five things lean into the

Wonder and having a sense of humor will

always help you lean into the Wonder and

forgetting what is behind and leaning

into a straining for what is ahead that

is how we create a long-term marriage

that we

[Music]

love