In this episode, John and Lisa chat about love and relationships with their two daughters-in-love, Julianna and Christian. They discuss how to do marriage well and share practical tools they use to cultivate loving relationships. Tune in to this fun discussion about love and relationships through the seasons.
[Music]
welcome to conversations I am joined
today with my gorgeous wife Lisa Bevere
and Lisa it’s kind of exciting this is
the very first conversations that we’ve
done on video so for those of you that
are still listening you can actually
watch this on our YouTube channels John
Bevere or Lisa Bevere and today we’re so
excited to be joined by two of our
daughter-in-laws and that is first of
all Christian Bevier and you are the
wife of our youngest son Arden and our
longest standing daughter in love and
that is Juliana who is married to our
oldest son Addison Addison oldest and
smartest anyway so exciting to have
Juliana with us because it reminds us of
Addison last time we talked about Saints
his new book Saints and you know there’s
still time for everybody to go and get
the book on messenger podcast.com
backslash offer and there’s goodies that
come with a good book if they come as a
podcast listener so we’re very very
excited about that
and we just want to remind you that we
have a family of podcast at messenger
international we call it the messenger
podcast network and that includes let’s
talk about it with sons and daughters
[Laughter]
yeah so let’s talk about it and maybe
someday we’ll get to be a guest on that
one and and then we have the messenger
podcast and there’s going to be more
coming in the future I think Lisa’s
gonna do her own I’m gonna do my own
I’ve already yeah we’ll still do it
together because people like listening
to John and Lisa they say it’s like
listening to mom and dad so yeah but
anyway I’m so excited about this new
series we’re gonna open up today on love
and relationships yeah this is the look
this is the month of love the month of
this is February and so we thought it
would be really fun to gather the people
that have been married for a really long
time that would be yes we’re omelettes
really a long time we’re 38 this year we
are 38 38 years
yeah we’re bumping up against four
decades as well as somebody who is 12
years that would be Julianna married to
the Addison st. and then we’ve got
Christiaan Barnard have been married
just a teeny bit over a year and so
different seasons different challenges
different moments different experiences
so we thought this would be really fun
and if there’s some people in mind why
are you talking to single people because
last year if that’s the only people we
talk to you talk to single single single
and if you’re like well I didn’t get to
hear it we have an amazing series called
flying solo it’s free you want to go
back and look at that but let’s go back
to talking about uniting the generations
you know I feel like sometimes there is
a gap between information from one
generation to another and there’s some
there’s some challenges right now so we
want to talk about what does the Bible
actually say about love and commitment
and I you know again we’re not I’m not
gonna quiz my daughter and Liz on this
but we’re gonna be you know actually
just having a conversation around this
and so first thing I want to say is um
let’s let’s open it up to Christian and
dooly-in you guys can ask because I know
how would you like what is the Bible
actually he’s not right or wrong yeah I
wasn’t gonna make you give me verses
okay well yeah I think there are a lot
of questions that people in our
generation newlyweds 12-year married
people all have and it’s important to
gleam from people that have done it well
that I’ve walked it out and I think
there are a lot of questions that we
want to hear especially from you guys
you’re wise you’re not old you’re wise
as the old but yes I wish we when we
were in our 20s and 30s early 30s would
have had an older couple we could sit
down and talk to you like this because
we were great on it we did learn a lot
of things hard at school of hard knocks
yeah I know the Bible says and initially
the reason for the marriage was that it
wasn’t good that they were alone so in
my mind it’s like well it’s good that
you’re together
and I know in my own life marriage has
been single-handedly the best thing
behind my relationship with God which
honestly they went very much
hand-in-hand and it has been something
that’s so good so I do think it’s it’s
good and I think that’s why it has the
potential also to be so bad and so are
you the older couple here I’ve been
gleaning you know John and I have very
much a heart that you don’t have to make
the same mistakes that we’ve already
made and when we did a lot of them for
you guys we’re like we’re gonna do the
majority of the mistakes possible so you
guys won’t have to do that that’s why
okay yeah so alright question what would
be a misconception Christian that you
think a lot of young girls have about
marriage you’re in a year and maybe you
could just talk about yourself what what
was maybe a misconception that you had
before getting married about love and
marriage yeah you know I think it’s
interesting it’s it’s not just two
categories but I think there are two
categories of I want to get married and
I want to be in love or the I’m gonna do
it my own way for a little bit we’ll see
if we cross that bridge when we get
there but I always had the misconception
of marriages are either healthy or
unhealthy that they were two absolutes
it wasn’t you know you can have a
relationship that’s healthy that has
conflict and it can have sharpening and
you can grow over the years I thought
you meet the one it’s perfect and that’s
how you have a good marriage rather than
you know you work at it and it as
marriage as a partnership it’s a
commitment and it’s something that you
actually grow in so what you’re saying
is that there’s a misconception that if
it’s the two perfect people they will
never have a problem right or you meet
the perfect person and it’s all a walk
in the park from there or if you don’t
marry the right person then it’s
absolute torture like I’ve you know I’ve
known couples that started out like
you’re saying you learn things the hard
way to begin with but you are so strong
and connected and I’d say more in love
than you’ve ever been today because of
what you walk through rather than
it was perfect from day one and that’s
why it is still lasting yeah you know if
you look at Malachi chapter 2 it says
God hates divorce why does he hate it
because it produces sons and daughters
of God Lisa and I both see that
scripture in two lights it you get
children that are godly which God wants
godly children but also nobody gets
closer to you than your spouse so
nobody’s gonna see and expose flaws in
you that God wants to see brought out so
you it doesn’t destroy you later on and
marriage has a tendency to expose those
flaws and when they’re being exposed you
don’t think you have them and what you
think the other person caused them right
and I found the older I got I wised up
to the fact that hey when everybody in
the family is pointing something out or
something’s getting exposed and not
going right what needs to change in John
and it’s gotten easier to do I’d say in
my late 40s a decade of 50s and you know
that’s the thing I wish I would have
known when I was thirty that when I
really was seeing Lisa upset with me I
used to think oh she’s got a problem and
now I realize I think you’re my problem
yeah but now I realize oh no this is
something that’s getting exposed in you
and God is giving you an opportunity get
rid of it because we want to be
christ-like yeah you know um I’ve just
been really deep diving into Titus 2 and
it’s interesting how God commands the
older women to teach and train the
younger women yeah how to love their
husbands he doesn’t say how to love your
kids because it’s actually kind of easy
to love babies they’re like oh my gosh
you’re so cute but loving your husband
requires training and this is something
I’ve learned is that love requires
constant ongoing learning you you want
to actually continue to learn to love
how to love better and you know back to
your point and I and I really want to
let Julie jump in here as well but back
to your point conflict isn’t the end of
a good marriage conflict is
actually moving a marriage from a place
of good to even better and John and I we
always say this when we do marriage
conferences you know just to kind of
decompress the room we say we have not
done marriage perfectly not not even
close but we have done it well and well
means you move from a place that is
unhealthy to a place of greater health
and our hope would be that we would
continue to do that have conversations
that continue to move us from a place of
maybe unhealthy or need needs to have
strengthened into a place of greater
health can I ask you guys how do you do
that practically speaking so you’re in a
marriage you’re in a relationship and
you come up against the conflict how do
you move forward in health how do you
move forward maybe if the other person
is still in the mindset no this is just
you it really doesn’t have a lot to do
with me
what what advice would you give well
first of all before you get in conflict
always fight fair and that is don’t
attack your person your your spouse’s
character attack the problem so if you
are being talked to by your spouse and
they assign the problem – this is you
you are selfish instead of saying your
behavior is selfish all of a sudden now
the walls are up
because now I’m I feel like I’m drowning
yeah so Lisa and I had established that
we used to just be so unfair the way we
fought secondly I have learned that the
Holy Spirit is amazing at changing
people’s hearts and you you can block
things out but you’re not called to be a
lawyer and prove these things so that
was where I went wrong instead of just
seating Lisa with something and saying
hey listen this is really troubling me
and let me tell you why
yeah and I would be almost like a lawyer
who would go ABC and then if she can get
it I go back to a then do B again then
you see
wait that would probably yeah that’s
right and instead of really trusting the
holy spirit to talk to her
or talk to me a lot of times it was
talked to me because I really thought I
was right and then I would come back a
week later and go I need to talk to you
about what we had a big disagreement
about last week I really realized that
this this and this about me yeah so and
if it was about her I keep my mouth shut
and just say okay just let the Holy
Spirit take care of it you know one of
the things I feel like was a major shift
was when I stopped listening to you to
get my next point in I’m like thinking
oh okay now I know exactly what I am
going to say as soon as you shut your
mouth I have got something to say but
listening to actually really hear you
and and one of the tools and it’s not
complicated but one of the tools
somebody had gift given me is when John
says something rephrase it back to him
so I’m actually listening to actually
really be able to understand instead of
pushing my point to be understood and I
think a lot of women are like I just
want to be understood by a man I just
want to be I just want him to know the
depths of my soul well I think one of
the better things is instead of trying
to teach them feminine heart language is
to actually model it for them so I think
when you shift from so what you’re
saying is instead of well this is what I
have to say so when I started actually
reflecting back to John because both of
us are passionate so I’d overstate
things heat overstate things so then I’d
say well what you’re saying is I always
do that
you’d be like okay well no it’s not
always but that’s what you said so what
exactly are you and going to the root of
it really really helped I think again
Mary’s tool seek to understand rather
than make your point that’s good you
know I’m interested because you say that
it didn’t always start out in the
healthiest way how did y’all still know
in that timing thing you were made for
each other and this is the person I want
to marry you know I I really am glad you
brought that up because commitment today
is a huge problem for the younger
generation am i right ladies I mean
we’re seeing too many young people
getting divorced and it’s not for
biblical reasons just in writing today I
was I was writing the scripture where
Paul said that marriage is actually an
illustration of the way the church in
Jesus are one and I think so often we
have to look at marriage through a
relationship with Jesus and we have to
look at a relationship with Jesus
through the lens of marriage now let’s
do the first one in in regard to
commitment when we’re fighting in the
midst of a fight right what I want Jesus
to say you know what I’m done with you
John
I’m so tired of you making this mistake
seven times a day I’m so tired of you
doing this seven times a week I I’m just
done with this okay we’re through I
don’t ever want you doing that with me
okay so now if I am supposed to be the
role of Christ in this marriage that
means no matter how badly I think and
usually I’m wrong Lisa’s behaving I have
to say I’m committed and so love is not
driven first of all by my emotions
although my emotions are very high for
Lisa and I think you girls see that I I
mean I I adore adorable aunt but there
are times that I’m just going if I was
going by my adorable feelings right now
for Lisa I’d be out of this relationship
let’s just be honest but I made a deep
heart commitment long long ago no matter
what it’s the old thing for better or
for worse I’m going to be committed to
her and you know what’s amazing is I’ve
seen enough times where I thought we
were in impossible situations of
conflict and I saw them so resolved it
was like they never happened before yeah
I want to talk about that commitment was
it something that you just made in an
instant and it for almost 40 years has
stayed strong how did you foster it how
did you feed and have it grow into where
it’s that strong within they’ve got
challenged Julie it got challenged I’d
be I’d be lying if I didn’t say that
so in the midst of the challenge I would
always find myself going away and
praying and I wrote something else in my
book today it’s impossible to get into
the presence of God in lie hmm so
anybody that comes out of
say I prayed and I still want to divorce
you when they just don’t like the fact
that they watch certain movies okay you
you weren’t in the presence of God
because see deceit can never stand in
the presence of God if you look at and
the way I one of the things that you see
so clearly if you look at the parable
the talents the guy goes you’re a hard
man and I was afraid of you right well
it’s true that’s what caused him not to
multiply yeah so truth came out in the
presence of Jesus so when I was in when
I was being challenged on my commitment
when I go out and pray it be like I get
in the presence of God and all of a
sudden I was like okay this is this is
totally wrong attitude totally wrong
thoughts I’m entertaining I got I need
to get this back on track and so it was
a firm commitment and it’s in the Bible
I know that that’s going to be
ultimately what makes us the happiest I
look at you know on the dad with the
four kids you get the toy Christmas you
throw the instructions over in the
corner and you spend two hours
assembling it there’s still ten pieces
on the floor you turn the switch and it
doesn’t work and so you get back you
deep the manual you deconstruct and you
reek and it works and I think there
needs to be a firm understanding in all
of us that anything God says in his word
is what’s best for us because he was the
original creator of us so if God says
hey don’t divorce except for the case of
unfaithfulness then that means okay he’s
saying this as what’s best for me yeah
you know um I will say this Julie I know
I was a child of parents that had
divorced twice so for me I was not
willing to make that mistake I didn’t
see either of my parents happier after
they got divorced and so I do know there
was fights where John would actually
bring up divorce and I actually would
not say the word I was like I will not
say that word and I’d get really mad at
my don’t even say that word because I
feel like we actually understood my
parents didn’t but we actually
understood the day that we got married
that we made a covenant not between each
other but between us one another and God
so we were going to make sure we stayed
in the boundaries of that
covenant that meant that we were either
gonna have a horrible marriage and stay
together which neither of us wanted or
we were gonna have to fight for a good
marriage and and that’s that’s the
course that we took and yeah I mean I’m
thrilled you know it’s interesting you
know the one thing I would say there may
be somebody out there that you know
there’s like I did pray and God to me I
could divorce my spouse
well sometimes God will say you you’ve
already made up your mind you’ve already
made up your mind or if there’s a
situation where it’s unsafe we’re not
saying that you should stay in an unsafe
situation you know more and more
churches I don’t think it used to be
acceptable that a husband would abuse
his wife physically and things like that
but more and more there’s sadly women
that don’t feel safe in their home and
men who don’t feel safe in their homes
so we don’t want to put the legalistic
on it but we do think that God is for
marriage and if you say I’m what I want
to do it your way God he’ll honor that
and he can he can override any conflict
that we’ve ever had because like
seriously I have a hard time really even
remembering the big five ring off for 18
[Music]
it worked
these girls would understand so let me
let me just say this that we’ve got
another program we’re going to talk
about this on the next one this will be
part one so we can pick this up next
week and I just want to say thanks for
tuning in and everybody please subscribe
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benefiting others that may get some of
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again to get Addison’s book called
Saints go to messenger podcast and
that’s dot-com backslash offer and until
next time this has been conversations
with John and Lisa
and Juliana and Christian yeah thanks
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