In this episode, John and Lisa continue their conversation about love and relationships with two of their daughters-in-love, Julianna and Christian. They discuss how to know if you are marrying the right person and share ways to identify a toxic or unhealthy relationship. Listen in on this candid discussion about love and relationships through the seasons.
[Music]
welcome to today’s episode of
conversations I’m Lisa and I’m joined by
my husband John and I’m also joined by
Kristian and Juliana yeah so excited by
having our beautiful daughter-in-laws
next to us yeah really on at 12 years
married to Addison right yeah and
Christian is one almost one and a half
years with Arden our youngest yes yeah
we are we are moving forward so we hope
you enjoyed that last episode this is
gonna be part two of Love &
relationships and I just a reminder if
you are listening that means you’re not
seeing it that we’ve actually are
filming the podcast you can watch that
on the YouTube pages of John Bevere or
Lisa Bevere
and conversations this is exciting is
actually now part of a messenger podcast
network which includes the messenger
podcast and let’s talk about it with
sons and daughters and we’re gonna be
adding new show so you just need to
watch it check it out we’ve got this
whole umbrella thing but today we’re
going to be talking about part two of
Love & relationships and John why are we
talking about this
it’s so important Lisa because today I
believe the young generation is being so
attacked in their marriages and
commitment and I think a lot of them are
saying we have questions that are
unanswered we have concerns we have
challenges that we feel are overwhelming
and we just want to bring a lot of
comfort in those situations you know
Paul makes the statement in second
Corinthians chapter 1 he said I went
through trials that I almost despaired
life and he said but we were comforted
by God who now we have the ability to
comfort others with the same comfort we
received so I feel like that’s what
we’re doing with this series and that’s
why I love doing two parts and would
have loved doing 10 parts because
they’re just so important yeah so anyway
we’ve got our two daughter-in-laws and
we want to just dive into some more
things that we really need to discuss
and I just want to open up with how did
you guys know you were supposed to marry
Arden how did you know you were supposed
to marry addison well what was it a
feeling was that you just liked him
better than the other guys you dated I
mean
I’d love to hear from you you almost 12
years yes a most of years so I was 19
actually 18 when I knew Addison was the
only one for me and it happened really
quickly as you guys know and I think
looking back on it all I can say is that
I knew there was just no other option
like he was the most incredible person
I’d ever interacted with and it was like
what was different about him well
something that was definitely different
was how attractive he was also just how
genuine and real his commitment and
relationship with God was so you guys
know this but the week I met Addison was
also the week I really met the Lord for
the first time and the Holy Spirit and
all of it was so wrapped up in one that
then God in His grace it didn’t feel
that way at the time had us go through a
season of separation so that was nine
months where we already knew this was my
spouse but we weren’t allowed to be
together we weren’t allowed to be
interacting in any way shape or because
of the intern because that was not John
and I no no because of the rules and I
look back now though and I see that the
way we went into this whirlwind romance
God wanted to solidify you don’t have to
go through Addison to get to me but then
what could have harmed us was this idea
that I had to go throughout us and to
get to God is now such a huge tool and
for good in our lives because we both
lead each other to God but it’s because
we’re we’re on our own so I don’t know
all that to say it was like getting an
email that the prince wanted to give you
a check for millions of dollars but but
it actually came through like meeting
Addison and coming together with Addison
was like winning the lottery so there
really wasn’t a question you know it’s
amazing how similar our stories are
because I led Lisa to the Lord on her
first
yeah and it’s a family thing
III just remember when I came home after
just three weeks I’ve graduated from
college and I just had this look on my
face and my mom went what’s up with you
I said mom she’s different than anyone
I almost and I hope I don’t get in
trouble I really believe that God
creates a soulmate for us I do and I
know that can be challenged but if my
steps are order of the Lord and that I
have to say is what did it for me yeah I
just knew like I knew I was saved this
woman is my wife
yeah and even when friends were saying
cuz you know Lisa Lisa was straight out
of the world they were like oh no no no
there’s there’s girls that have been
raised in the church you know you’ve got
a call in your life and I was I would
hope it wouldn’t mean anything it was
yeah but but I knew I knew I looked I
looked at my parents and I said I know
she’s the one and they said we support
you well then what’s so cool about that
is that people will ask me so you came
straight out of the world and how did
John and Lisa react to Addison way
before he had seen it so quickly and I
loved that it wasn’t even a thing
because one you trusted your son right
and two it was it was so close where I
immediately felt this just this
overwhelming love where it was like when
you know you know you know I still
remember the Addison was supposed to
pick me up from the airport I had just
come to Ukraine so I have been flying
all night from the Ukraine and he was
talking to Julie on the phone and got
lost going to the Denver Airport a place
he’d probably driven 50 times to and
just got lost in love he was totally in
love and when I left he hadn’t even met
you and then he was madly in love and
when he picked me up
he just said mom I know hmm I know and
as soon as he said I know I knew and
then he said and you’re going to lunch
right now
we’re going to win so how about you
Christian I’d love to hear your
perspective on this I think that theme
of when you know you know is consistent
through all of our stories which I kind
of hate saying because it is a cliche
and when you don’t know it’s hard to
know when you will know because in my
dating experience I always tried to date
for love what I thought love was at the
time but I needed some people that
weren’t high caliber and I dated some
that were so in my mind it was kind of
that same instance of how do I know this
one is the one how do I say I deserve
better than this if if there is someone
else out there because yeah quite
honestly the guy I dated before Arden
was an amazing guy any single ladies I
would send his or hey but I didn’t have
that piece and I wasn’t sure why and I
just remember praying I was like God if
if there is someone else out there I
don’t think I deserve better but I’m
gonna trust in that that you have
someone very specific and like you said
John kind of a soul mate that it’s gonna
bring out the best of me and I the best
in him and I kind of went to bed that
night and had a dream and and this is
like the super spiritual anagram force I
know the story but I had a dream and in
the dream I was engaged to someone and
it was someone I had never seen but I
was like wow I I would married that guy
he’s good
and there was just certain things within
the dream when I woke up remember
thinking God I’m gonna trust you that
there is a peace that surpasses a
checklist that surpasses feelings that
there’s a validity to when you set it up
that it is perfect in the sense that I
remember when I met Arden I was thinking
he could be the one he can be the one
and there was a phrase that he said in
that dream that Arden said in real life
and I was like oh my gosh okay this is
it don’t blow it met the parents on the
first date I was like please does it how
it sure
I think it was a setup but you know
we’re here you know I had a very similar
thing as well I I was just in between
sleep and waking up and I saw the
clearest vision of the profile of a
brunette woman with hair down to here
her shoulder length and first of all I
knew it was my wife I’d never met Lisa
yes going for the blonde and that’s what
I was gonna say my mom had me paid for a
blonde because all the girls I was
attracted to were blonde and I thought
oh my gosh and I remember leaving Lisa
the Lord
her hair was long she went back to
school she came back and I was ready to
propose to her and her hair was shoulder
like she had cut her hair and I said
would you just do a profile for me and I
went oh my gosh that’s the girl I saw so
I know here’s here’s my concern I do
think there’s people that have that what
you guys are talking about but I also
think people can become our soul mates
because god knits us together in a
covenant and I’ve talked to a lot of
people where they got married and the
people had all the right elements but
they hadn’t grown into that oneness and
I you know I almost would feel like
maybe that was a more mature thing I’m
not saying you know like sometimes our
stories there’s people that are married
that might be sitting here good now
going I never had that experience what
you make that loving it it’s an eternal
covenant you made a big God so there’s
no question it’s our soul stain I guess
right now we’re reaching out to the
single people but we are spiritual
beings and we can’t downplay that just
like I know that we were supposed to
move to Colorado Springs I know that I’m
saved I know they’re they’re just things
you know and don’t discount that and
don’t jump early when you don’t know
that and and I’m sure that you were
wrestling with you know this is a great
guy and there’s no doubt he was probably
a phenomenal guy how long did you guys
date so
we dated for right around two years and
Arden and I dated for like two and a
half months before we got engaged this
is a big contrast I will say that I know
that both Arden and Addison were ready
to get married they were not playing
they were not players they just they
wanted to get married okay so let’s talk
about this because I do think that maybe
people have been conditioned to accept
toxic relationship or abusive
relationships and let’s talk about
whether there’s what what does a healthy
dynamic look like you know so that we’ve
got codependent where people are
enabling each other versus independent
where people are like I live my life you
live your life and then we’ve got people
that are inter dependent so Julie you
mentioned that early on you guys might
have had more of a codependent and you
also talked about now you’re kind of
both leading each other towards the
things of Christ can you talk about that
transition yeah so being so young and 19
when we got married 19 when we got
pregnant there there was this sense of
like I went from my parents house to
Addison and so in a lot of ways he
fathered me and while simultaneously
fathering are dialed and that that
worked because of who he is
he rose to the challenge and did it
miraculously but then as our
relationship progressed a few years in
there was some unhealthy stuff that
started to develop because of that
narrative that we had taken on and where
I didn’t feel like his equal I felt like
he was fathering me still which really
messed with my identity as a mom and a
wife and I’m sorry I’m not your child
and and it is it’s also our personality
dynamic where he just more naturally as
like well just tell you what to do
because I know the best way to do it and
he usually does but that’s not a healthy
relationship yeah thanks a lot Josh
but that’s not health so the way we were
able to progress from that parent-child
relationship to being interdependent was
that we both were on our own journeys of
growth and our own journeys of health
and Addyson no longer saw my progress as
his progress I mean it was in a sense
but it wasn’t as intermingled where it
was like he was in charge of me it was
he was a letter side yeah and he will
joke now and he’ll say I raised you the
first ten years now you’re gonna raise
me the next seventy let’s just you know
be alongside each other and Christian
I’m gonna I’m gonna tell you something
Arden said to me I was like Arden you
know when he nearly it was time for him
to get married he had this knowing he’s
very art is very prophetic and he was
dating some absolutely gorgeous girls
right so I said I said okay Arden why
Christian and he so the first thing he
said to me is she asked me the hard
questions and I think that’s what drew
him to you is he wanted somebody that
wasn’t going to be dependent on him he
wanted somebody who had a very strong
relationship with God independent of him
so they could be interdependent and you
want to elaborate on that a little bit
yeah well I think first of all just a I
wasn’t always like that
and none of us were just anyone hearing
listening to that because it took me
asking myself the hard questions before
I could ask him and just being real and
uncomfortable because like I said I I
wanted I wanted to be married for a long
time I thought I was ready for marriage
for a long time but um in this little
season before I met ardent I really had
to get real and raw of God what what
does a partnership look like in your
minds for me like you know how you knit
me what do I need and I think from that
gleamed the questions I wanted to
garden and I did and you know we we got
married so so answer the question and
not to be codependent is to have a very
strong relationship with God on your own
and then you build your partner let’s
talk about toxic marriage
I’d really like to address that because
there’s a lot of people here in toxic
situations Lisa I’d love for you to
address that okay well you know I think
that sometimes people can get in
patterns where they think toxicity and
abuse is normal and when they actually
have an eye-opening experience that this
isn’t healthy
like when being in a marriage where one
person feels less than the other it’s
never going to be healthy and that
doesn’t mean that might be like less
skilled in something I’m saying less
than devalued demit dismissed before it
absolutely and that you know a lot of
times people think that’s automatically
only things that happen to women but it
happens to men too you know yeah I I
know that for me and you and our
marriage at the beginning I I found it
very frightening to relinquish control
to you because I thought if I turn over
this control nothing is going to get
done and I thought I don’t know if I
trust John and and God said to me you
don’t have to trust John you have to
trust me
and so you know we have to understand
that sometimes when people are afraid
they’ll try to control things when
people haven’t had something modeled
well then they can’t do better we came
from very different marital backgrounds
John came from a family who never fought
I came from a family who didn’t ever not
fight they fought all the time and so it
was it was a very that was toxic and
yours was not modeled it wasn’t bad it
was just kind of like what are we
building so we wanted to build something
different so again I think that there’s
people in very abusive toxic
relationships that doesn’t mean they’re
hopeless that doesn’t mean that you
can’t bring it to a crisis and say I
love you and I’m committed to our
marriage but I will not go forward with
our marriage looking like this
I was looking yes so how does somebody
handle that situation you don’t allow
abuse to continue yeah you’ve got to
bring somebody healthy
into a situation right when you get an
abusive situation it’s not just the
abuser that gets unhealthy is the abuse
person gets you know they get their
little spirits broken and their identity
torn up and so you need someone healthy
on the outside to come in which we are
big proponents of counselors one of one
of the greatest things that we have been
able to offer and I know tons of people
have been involved with it is the course
that we did with chip Judd we brought we
brought to people the people that we
would go to when we’re like hey we need
some tools to move forward with stuff
you know one thing I want to do because
we’re almost out of time
I would like both of you to say
something to a young girl or you know
maybe someone who feels like maybe love
and life has passed her by and and she’s
thinking of just settling or she’s just
thinking what is one thing that you wish
you would have known that you could say
to them to protect them from having
their feelings hurt and just getting an
unhealthy relationship because I love
what you said because that’s was my
prayer I said God I think I know what I
like but I’m not sure what I like is
healthy so god I want you to tell me
what’s best for me I’m not gonna pick
because I’m weird I’m gonna let you pick
for me cuz you know what my strengths
are my weaknesses are so I look that was
kind of your prayer yeah you know I
think just even what we’re talkin on
what like comes to my spirit is so my
father and i’s relationship has has
grown tremendously in the last 24 years
but mostly in the last four years and
honestly marriage has helped that in a
lot of ways but i think before i was
seeking so much of my identity and who I
ended up with and and how loved I was or
how lovable I was able to be was based
on if someone loved me and I think
sometimes that hurries the season of
looking for that and in Awakening things
before it’s ready just because you want
a void filled and so in part of that I
would say glean from who you are solely
in Christ solely that you were lovable
silly that there is nothing that you
or searching for because marriage adds
to your life it doesn’t solve what’s
wrong with you because that’s not what
it’s for it’s not go to pendant and the
other side of that I would say just you
know if you have awoken things and if
there has been a negative pattern like
you’re saying you don’t have to continue
that that there is restoration I mean I
thought from from small and big
instances God why would you pick me to
be Arden’s wife like there was probably
one of those gorgeous girls he could
have ended up with but it wasn’t
necessarily what I had done or hadn’t
done it was because of who he had made
me to be and who and how he saw Arden
that being married
tonight before you speak Julie I want to
say something that’s and I’m gonna give
you guys freedom to really disagree with
me but I believe we as Christians are
supposed to be missional I believe that
makes us stand out my meat my food is to
do the will of him who sent me and
finish his work
I find that as a single person the
single people I see are healthy are
missional they’re so focused on their
mission that God has called them to and
it just seems like there’s an
intersection they’re not know waiting
pattern they’re in and there’s an error
section that occurs and they go this is
it and I would say if I was counseling
my young self again I would say be much
more intentional on the mission that God
has called me to in this world and let
let the other come into place he knows I
need it he knows when I need it I’m
gonna let it come into place I welcome
your challenge but that’s that’s
something I want to say to every single
person out there no I completely agree I
think this idea that is really strong in
Christian communities that your life
doesn’t start until you’re married that
your calling is not going to be given to
you until you’re married that you’re
disqualified because you’re not married
are such lies and really I think one of
the main reasons why there is so much
divorce within Christianity is that
people just want to get on with it it
gets really confusing when you feel like
God’s just waiting for you to get
married to use you and so I think that’s
ex
an advice that people need to be going
on the path that God has for them and
you’ll see those people alongside you
like I just think what I would say to
someone who is in that situation is
trust God like believe that he really
has woven your life together so
specifically for someone who is going to
be like just know you and before you and
that partner who really is going to
propel you forward who’s not going to
drag you down and you trust that and you
move in that belief you move in that
faith and don’t let those don’t let
comparison even what we’ve talked about
here today don’t look at our stories and
allow the enemy to use them to tell you
you’re not good enough because that’s
just a lie oh my god
no absolutely not like if you’re going
if you are moving towards God you will
be changed we are all being changed by
the grace of God so you can be changed
into that perfect person for your spouse
so let me put it in a nutshell and then
maybe we can close if you’re single be
missional and focus on what God has
called you to do trust him he will put
you in places that your trust will be
challenged but that’s part of our walk
with God if you’re married it doesn’t
matter if you felt like you’re your
spouse is your soul mate or not your
soul mate that no longer is even a
question to be asked you have made an
eternal covenant with God that I will
stay faithful to this person and you
will trust that God will cause all
things to work out for your and your
spouse is good hey thanks for tuning in
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so until then and until next time this
has been conversations with John Lisa
Julie and Christian Bevere thanks for
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