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there’s always somebody around the
corner talking to you saying if if you
was my man
I Was Your Woman
and and it’s and it’s really not true
but it is the Trap we fall in
because we have a tendency to go to
where the claps are
[Music]
you know uh fatherhood for me is the
responsibility of provision
and protection
but there’s also a responsibility to
nurture and connect
I think those last two I learned as I
went along
but my natural instinct and and might I
say the daunting task
of providing took up a lot of my life
and a lot of my time
and uh trying to make sure that
everything was there and that when you
turned on the water it ran and then the
lights came on that there was always
food in my Xbox men often get
preoccupied and focused on that not
because they’re not interested in their
children or their wives it’s just that
it’s not as easy as it looks
and today the roles have changed a
little bit you know sometimes the woman
makes more money than the man there are
situations where uh the man is at home
nurturing and the woman is providing so
there are no stereotypical relationships
today like there were when we were
raising you all
what do you think is like one of the
most challenging things that you face as
a father whether internally or
externally with our you know different
obstacles first of all
uh all you have to bring to the table is
all you have experienced
okay
so when my father got sick when I was 10
he died when I was 16.
before I before he got sick he was a
very very big on building business and
work ethic and and being relentless and
being tenacious and a lot of that I got
from him so when I started parenting or
when I got married you bring into the
relationship whatever your definition of
being a father is
and being better just as you go along uh
the idea of parenting of fathering a
daughter was intimidating for me because
I knew what a boy wanted from his father
because I have been a boy wanting from
my father
I had yet to learn What a Girl Wants
from her father
one because I’ve never been a girl and
never don’t plan to be what
uh but but secondly because that
relationship did not act out in in the
reservoir of my experiences that
father-daughter relationship and so I
had to learn that as I went along
so
so I mean I know now because I’m older
what I wanted as a little girl and I
think I understand it now more because
it’s also kind of what I desire in my
relationship with my husband and I think
it’s to be seen and to be told how
valuable I am and how much I am
appreciated I think that so much of a
woman’s self-esteem part of the reason
why we build it on whether or not we’re
married or whether or not someone finds
US attractive is because of that
validation that comes from a father do
you know now how much that you know
affects oh absolutely yeah absolutely
you learn as you go kids don’t come with
manuals
so you learn as you go you get better at
it as it goes along the other thing that
you have to realize about parenting and
particularly for we’re talking about
fathering but this is also true about
women
at the time that you’re having children
you’re growing too
so it it wasn’t me that fathered you
right it was 30 year old me wow
it was it was your age you that was
fathering okay so so you gotta
understand
the time of life you’re in when you’re
still trying to figure out you
and now you’ve got somebody else to be
responsible for not only emotionally
self-esteem and the things you’re
talking about but whoever whatever the
school requires whatever uh has to be
done in their life for the doctor for
the dental business for the recital and
get the instrument get this done get
that done got to come up with Christmas
got to come up with Thanksgiving got to
come up with Thanksgiving dinner all of
those are bills to men
see their experiences to women but their
bills to men
yeah so so
Merry Christmas ho ho for me
is you got to make this happen you gotta
buy their gifts and your gifts from them
to you
and by the dinner and sometimes cook the
dinner in our case
that’s a lot to do in between doing what
you do for a living so so all of that is
pro and let’s go back to this the first
victory
no matter how poorly a person provides
emotionally or financially
uh in your life the first victory for a
man is that he didn’t quit
because most of the people suffering in
this room are suffering from a life you
knew nothing about
that some of them don’t know who their
father is
some of them were abused by their
fathers some of their fathers ran away
and the child thinks that the father ran
from them
but in all likelihood the father either
ran from your mother
he ran from the relationship that was
going on with her at the time or he ran
from the pressure
of being this iconic individual that was
intimidating for this 20 year old or
this 25 year old individual who who is
unfinished himself
who is flawed and broken and and the
whole family unit is predicated on the
fact it has to be a place of
unconditional love it has to be because
God isn’t through raising anybody in the
house
anybody in the house and it’s very
important that you understand that
because if you don’t give that
elasticity to a man
he will leave
he will leave for the lack of uh being
understood
and being received because he wants
everything you want
everything you just said that you want
that’s everything I want I want to be
seen I want to be valued I want to be
affirmed I want to be appreciated and I
want to I want it to happen after work
and so in between all of that that’s
everything your mother wants
so everybody wants so you come home to
hunger
tired
so when you come home to hunger tired
and and face criticism which I didn’t
but some men do
it makes you want to flee either back to
work or away altogether
to The Grieving women in this room who
feel like my father-in-law didn’t love
me he wasn’t there for me very seldom do
men leave their children
they leave their situation or they leave
their spouse and they don’t know how to
build a relationship with the child
apart from the mother
or the mother won’t let them
so you mentioned elasticity
out there
and we’re like how do you balance not
wanting to be like over critical and
nagging or judgmental but also having
legitimate you know things that you want
to be able to discuss whether it’s in
the father relationship or even a
relationship with a husband
with mankind is everything
timing is everything it is not what you
say it’s when you say it
not when I first come in the door
don’t meet me at the door with a bunch
of complaints I’m trying to find some
refuse I’m trying to find some peace and
men in most men uh
need a cave a detox spot
to to refuel from all the things that
happen to you at work
where you will often belittled
mistreated hated on ostracized and to
survive that and come home and running
the persons you’re doing it for have a
list of what you didn’t do
it makes you feel unappreciated and
here’s where the problem comes in
there’s always somebody around the
corner talking to you saying if if you
was my man
and I Was Your Woman
and and it’s and it’s really not true
but it is the Trap we fall in
because we have a tendency to go to
where the claps are
not the criticisms
if you do have something critical to say
pick a time that your emotions are not
involved in it
because you have to understand
uh men know whether in the workplace or
at home or in life we don’t communicate
like women
we communicate very differently and so
understanding what you mean is a process
my your mother will tell you my famous
line with your mother my famous famous
all-time 37 year old there has never
been a year in the 37 years we’ve been
married that I didn’t say this at least
a hundred times during the year
what do you mean by that
because what she said and what I heard
are often two completely different
things
and the same thing is true in reverse
what what I said versus what you hear is
too different that
I might say I don’t like your dress and
you might hear I don’t like you
we we can compartmentalize one issue
from the other and and speak about the
issue and then wonder why the individual
is mad
because for us it’s about the issue
it’s not about the individual but the
woman often feels affronted a b most
women grew up without a man so she wants
me to be her girlfriend in pants
six she talks to me like she want a girl
and she receives from me like a woman
communication male communication is very
different it
has like when PT talked to me
he’s hardly take it take it sometimes if
it weighed direct and like well why did
you what were you thinking when you did
that and then I become defensive and now
I have an attitude and even though I
grew up in the house with the men I
think there’s something about him saying
something that suggests I didn’t do it
well enough that maybe brings up this
little girl who wanted to please her dad
and so now it’s not just him saying I
didn’t do this one thing well I hear all
of these things that I didn’t do well
throughout our relationship
[Applause]
the first mistake is you married your
father I didn’t know that until about
six months into it and that’s when I
realized that they’re the same people
like really
being direct for us isn’t always an
attack
let me show you the opposite of it
when when a woman comes home to talk to
her husband
she says uh he wants to know what’s for
dinner well I left work I knew we didn’t
have any green beans I had to go by the
store and get some great spirits the
traffic was absolutely everywhere do not
know that I had to go to Kroger’s where
they got green beans five cans for a
dollar and wait in line I ran into Helen
while I was there and you know I don’t
like Helen and he’s sitting there just
you want to take your lip and pull it
completely over top of your head
because all I wanna know is
so so psychology teaches that women
circle around the issue
you circle around the issue we we come
down like a helicopter right on the
issue a machete I like to call it
we’re your protectors but this is it a
direct a direct statement from me
doesn’t necessarily mean I’m angry at
all
doesn’t necessarily mean I’m angry at
all and so when you get angry and
defensive I feel misunderstood
I got a big amen I heard it come from
before I I feel misunderstood the the
three men that are in this room are
praying hard for me okay
so what what you have to understand is
that I I feel misunderstood
by just being straightforward with you
and and and and let me say this as it
relates to marriage
you can get married in 30 you you can
you can have a wedding in 30 minutes
but it takes 30 years to have a marriage
by the time you learn how to read each
other
you have raised your children
you have buried your parents you have
been in every conceivable situation
together and you have drawn conclusions
and the reason that this is so difficult
that it starts generationally and passes
down you you already have the advantage
of having some sense how to read them
and you know how you and I could talk
across the room and never say a word
okay I can talk to this girl and never
part my lips
we will look at each other and burst out
and start laughing and have said a word
to each other
that innate instinct is very helpful in
reading your husband
even though sometimes you read that he’s
displeased with you uh because he said
criticize something that you did but
it’s funny that you would say that about
him because with me though I am direct
and we’ve had our moments look at the
way she’s looking at me
one of my greatest father-daughter
moments with you was after you were
started to write
and you’ve wrote me something and sent
it to me and I was in LA at the time and
I was busy and I was very direct and I
I’m embarrassed how direct I was I tell
you it wasn’t good and I didn’t know
what you meant you needed to write it
over
I did
when she when you later wrote the book
I called you I was called you from my
desk and I left a message of your
voicemail and I said I was going to read
the book because I’ve always been their
guinea pigs anything they cooked I ate
anything they they wrote I read so I
said I’m going to read this book because
you’re my child but when I started
reading it
it was so well written and so well done
I couldn’t put it down
the pace the Rhythm the truth the
storytelling the description was
impeccable and then you taught me
something you called me crying
and you said I want to keep this message
forever
oh don’t do that
and and you said something to me that I
will never forget you said because this
girl is extremely
she’s real deep she said
what gave your compliments so much
validity
it’s the criticism that preceded it
the fact that you had the courage to
tell me when I was wrong
makes me believe you when you tell me
I’m right
we’re gonna get through this
okay
that trust
that trust is so important whether it’s
your partner
or your father you got to be able to
trust that what I’m telling you is true
okay it might not be nice to hear it
might not I might have landed like a
helicopter it came down like a machete
but you have to trust number one first
of all I am always gonna be for you
so that that never comes into play I am
for you when you’re right I am for you
when you’re wrong I am for you when I’m
hurt I’m for you when I’m shocked
there’s there’s nothing you could ever
do that would change the way I feel
about you that is absolutely
impossible period take that off the
table
and once you settle down into that
and that’s what you want to look for in
a man
is somebody who can go through tough
times
disappointments mistakes ride or die
okay admittedly we all have our
weaknesses
okay and women often bring up to men
their weaknesses
but there is a difference between first
of all women have weaknesses too
and they are more merciful often about
their weaknesses and Ours
because what we want from a woman as a
as a as a husband
what we want from a woman is for you to
love us like you do your sons
because while you’re looking for Daddy
I’m looking for Mama
and the way you love your sons I don’t
care what they do I don’t care what when
they did it I don’t care which way they
win I don’t care what mistake they made
and I don’t care if they ran the red
light I don’t care if they rob 7-Eleven
mama is still gonna be down there
talking about wait one minute that’s my
child you fooling
your husbands your boyfriends see that
and they long for that okay so they long
for that that kind of love and
affirmation if you can take off the
table the fact
that whatever I said I was still for you
then how I said it becomes less powerful
when you know that it’s one of your
teammates saying it
I’m on your team
I’m on team Jake’s okay I’m on your team
and the guy sees himself on your team so
when he makes it when he makes a
coaching remark you can’t coach anybody
for greatness and just be nice
can’t do that you not for football not
for basketball not for golf a coach is a
good coach when they challenge you and
they get in your face and they’re trying
to they’re not trying to say you’re not
good I’m trying to get you from good to
great
okay and and a man a good man has to be
strong enough to even withstand being
misunderstood because really most of the
time fathers are appreciated more in
depth than in life
because when you look back at it it
looks different than in the moment when
you’re doing it you understand what I’m
saying I think part of the reason why I
have the work ethic I do is because of
how you coach through my teen pregnancy
I’ll never forget you telling me you can
you can survive this but you’re going to
have to hit the ground running I think
what I know now that I didn’t know then
was what exactly it was I was trying to
survive and I think that what I thought
I was trying to survive was becoming
daddy’s little girl again where I could
be seen as innocent again and as pure
again and I think when I got pregnant
that coaching kind of translated to me
that you were so far from that that
there was going to take a lot of work
for you to get there so when you talk
about hold it
it was never about you being Pure or
innocent
I assumed you were human
when you cried into the world
that was never the issue
that is seldom the issue with men
we your mother says I’m the least
judgmental person she ever met we will
give each other slack for days and days
and days when a man says another man’s a
dog he’s a dog
he’s a real bow wow okay so he’s a real
bow wow
it wasn’t
the nature of the relationship was not
built in my mind on pureness or
innocence
it was you
see but it was it wasn’t that for me
because I thought like we I was like
daddy’s little girl you are I know
but I felt like
I could do something that would make me
lose that remember
that’s not possible
that’s not possible you could scare me
to death
I could be worried today if you could
break my heart you you could do all that
kind of stuff but there’s nothing you
could ever ever ever do
ever do
that would change how I feel about you
see knowing this is important because
this is the first glimpse into
understanding what Jesus meant when he
prayed and said our father
that that that is an irrevocable
relationship the rest of your life
if you’re 900 years old you’re still my
baby girl if you got no legs you my baby
girl if you’re a hole on the street
shooting dope you steal my child
don’t you ever forget that don’t you
ever ever forget that I don’t care what
I don’t care what and as long as I’m
breathing
in this world I will fight for you I
will come and get you I will drive the
getaway car
[Applause]
I will judge me if you want to I would I
would rather get away car I will be
fussing while I’m driving it I will be
calling you names and this don’t make no
sense it’s just stupid aren’t you a
phone what were you thinking about but I
will be driving the car
that that kind of understanding leads us
to this should we be more temperate we
learn to be more temperate with time and
age
but you you’re impressive and crushing
by the way I’ll be signing crushing
after this at the lobby the crushings of
life means you’re raising your child
at the same time you’re raising yourself
because this is a new role for you as a
father
so a lot of your fathers did not do this
well because they didn’t know how
it’s the only role a man often has to
play without a script or a blueprint
if he didn’t see it demonstrated at home
putting a ring on his finger doesn’t
make him a husband
handed him a baby doesn’t make him a
father what is what is that
and then there’s nothing worse than
having a woman tell you what you ought
to be as a man
because it’s like me trying to tell you
what you are to be as a woman I don’t
know anything about being a mother what
the magic your mother has with you is in
another realm all together it is
mystifying it is amazing it is beautiful
it is emotional I could never be her in
a thousand years she could never be me
so a lot of times what happens in a
relationship both of you are acting like
you know what you’re doing and you don’t
so you’re telling him when a husband
ought to be and what a man if he was any
kind of man you would do so and so it’s
a truth is you don’t know what you’re
talking about he’s telling you what a
white father being what a woman ought to
be he doesn’t know what he’s talking
about and the humility of admitting that
neither one of us are sure is what
brings you to your knees and says God
help us to do this we don’t know what
we’re doing we don’t know how to act
there are certain parts of my mother I
don’t want to see in me there’s parts of
my father I don’t want to see in me help
to burn out of me the chaff and so that
I am left with the wheat so that my
mother’s mouth doesn’t get in the
conversation or my father’s temper
doesn’t get in the conversation you know
you know you know we got these ghosts
we’ve we’ve all got these ghosts and
those ghosts are relationship killers
understand this that in real time speed
when you confront a man he very seldom
will come right back at you
because we heard you
but we’re going to go away and three
days later we’re going to come back you
know the other day when you said
because we got to go think about it
because when I tell you something I
wanted to be sure that that’s what it is
so in real time speed you’ll out talk me
or I’ll clap up
and you’ll win the argument but maybe
lose the war
I was explaining to a brother just
recently
often when a woman feels attacked her
weapon is her mouth
for sure so she so she she throws it at
you because she feels victimized
men don’t really understand that because
we’re going to wait three days and when
I come back and tell you something I’m
going to be pretty sure
so I take words seriously
so when you start just defending
yourself because you do you see yourself
as this little girl being jumped on or
not pleasing dad
I take those words to Heart
because
I wouldn’t say that to you unless I
thought it through
so I don’t know that you’re
still processing out loud
so so we got quiet in here
this is why marriage is hard work
uh getting father-daughter relationship
is is easier because sex isn’t in it
and it’s less complicated
so so I’m clear as to what my role is
but for you okay and it is not bad so as
long as that part if if a man’s been out
of your life for years and he wants to
get back into your life the reason it
doesn’t go well is there’s no Foundation
what he has to learn to do is not to
come into your life after 25 years of
being gone and try to be your father
who is he and what is the nature of his
business and who are you on the phone
with no no no no no no no no no no no no
no you lost all of that you’ve been gone
for 25 years don’t roll back up in here
and try to be Daddy after being gone 25
years you you’ve got some Foundation to
build
our relationship my relationship with
Corey my relationship with you has a
foundation up under it so that even when
we Face disappointments amongst each
other it might rip up the carpet but not
the foundation
laying that Foundation is a process that
takes years one other point I want to
throw in quickly we tend to raise
our same gender children
and spoil our different gender children
a man tends to be tougher on a boy
because he’s trying to get him ready for
what it’s like to be a man
and and you can spoil the girl
and a woman tends to be a little tougher
on the girl because she knows how tough
it is to be a woman
but her son can get away with murder
so the boys the boy fools the woman all
the time the mama she just wasn’t she
just wasn’t right when you heard no way
come on over here baby you you’ll need
you to see that dig down into him and
men need to be down into I need
to be confronted
and I need what I give so if I speak to
you and say you need to do this better
and that better and that better that
wasn’t good I want that I need that if I
trust you like that
that is a privilege of having
relationship with me is is there are a
few people that I want to receive that
from very few I can count on my hand to
have fingers but I want to know if I
didn’t do a good job and what was not
good about it and how can I fix it so
when I’m coaching you or I’m into it
with you I’m trying to make sure you win
because I don’t want them to attack you
I don’t want them to attack you I will
jump on the Instagram and fight them
off
with or without scriptures
you understand
is that helpful am I going to for sure
is that helpful