Havilah and I continue to discuss appropriate boundaries and discipline. You will learn the importance of maintaining your authority to discipline, how to honor your husband in the discipline and training process, and how to trust God to fill in the gaps, especially if you are a single mom. You may have made mistakes in the past, but it is never too late to repent and build new habits. Watch the full course on MessengerX: https://go.MessengerX.com/momsofmen
#lisabevere #lisabeveremomsofmen #momsofmencourse #havilahcunnington #lisabeverestudy #lisabeverecurriculum #parentinghacks #raisingboys #parentingtips #parentingadvice #parenting #strongwomen #parentingcourse #christianparenting #christianstudy #moms #mominspiration #bravewomen #howtodiscipline ______________ Chapters: 0:00 – Lesson Teaser 0:16 – Discipline, Boundaries, and Clarity 1:24 – Don’t Undermine Your Authority 4:14 – Let Them Talk Boy 6:50 – Inspire Confidence 8:26 – We Will All Make Mistakes 9:34 – Filling Your Gaps 10:48 – To the Single Moms 15:44 – Your Action Steps ______________
if you don’t discipline your children
when they’re young they’re going to end
up being teenagers that are going to
embarrass you because you spoiled them
and you spoil them when you don’t
discipline them
okay so we had a really great discussion
with that yeah and there’s there’s so
much to talk about with this yeah and we
found some great scriptures have a point
you read your favorite one well I really
love Proverbs 29 17 or it says
discipline your children you’ll be glad
you’ll be glad that’s like you know eat
healthy now so you can live longer
tomorrow and this is it and they’ll turn
into delightful to live with yeah um and
it’s true there’s nothing worse than a
child that has no boundaries and you’ll
you’ll see it they they’re not fun to be
with no that’s the truth yeah and they
go through life rejected and it’s really
not it’s really not fair it’s really not
fair to the child it’s really on the
parents and then also Proverbs 29 same
chapter says why is discipline imparts
wisdom spoiled adolescence embarrass
their parents so if you don’t discipline
your children when they’re young they’re
going to end up being teenagers that are
going to embarrass you because you
spoiled them and you spoil them when you
don’t discipline them and again we you
know we want to be really clear we’re
not talking about Punishment No we’re
not talking about being punitive we’re
not talking about being anger we’re not
talking about being abusive we’re
talking about discipline we’re talking
about boundaries we’re talking about
Clarity and you know something that I
found with um with a lot of women is you
know we talk to you about you do you
have the authority to do this but
sometimes they compromise that and
sometimes they compromise it thinking
that they’re protecting their kids like
for example I’ll just use myself as an
example you know like let’s say I was
home with young kids and I knew John was
gonna be home that evening I was like
okay you know what we’re gonna handle
this when Dad gets home dad’s gonna
handle this you’re going to deal with
your dad you’re not dealing with me on
this you know I’m sorry I wanted to help
you but now you’re going to deal with
your dad when he comes home and then the
dad comes home the dad’s tired he’s been
in the office all day or minister or
whatever and then you’re like this is
what you’re your son yes
this is what your son did while you were
gone and then your husband like sits
down with him he’s like is this true is
this true you did this and you’re like
yes yes all of us and the kids crying
and then you’re then your husband takes
them into the laundry room to discipline
them and then your mother heart turns
and you hear your kid crying you’re like
oh I changed my mind
you can’t do that you can’t do that
because your kids are really smart and
they’re gonna be like oh yeah and you
when you undermine you need to hear this
when you undermine your husband’s
Authority
you’re undermining your parental
Authority as well so we need to either
deal with things deal with them don’t
throw it off on your husband he wasn’t
there deal with it don’t let it hang
over your kids all day deal with it or
if we turn it over our husbands then we
have to support what they’ve done we
can’t be banging in the laundry room
door I’m talking about myself I bet none
of you’ve ever done that but I certainly
did you know like I would hear John say
I haven’t even spanked them yet they’re
just crying like I had one son uh his um
he’s my third uh he he like was the most
ridiculous with his spankings he would
be like I can’t breathe I can’t breathe
right now I need a pillow I need to pull
my legs are coming up I can’t just we
were like okay we’re trying so hard to
not laugh we’re trying to to not not
overreact hands are going behind and we
did believe in spanking and I again not
beating spanking we used a paint stir
yep you know paint stirs can break
before they do any damage wheeze it was
about sting it was paint store but you
know mommies mommies if you’ve
undermined your husband or undermined
yourself by the lying yep my husband
would listen to me he’d be calling from
wherever he was at and he’d hear me on
the phone did you guys do that again I’m
I’m spanking all of you and he’s like
you’re not you’re not you just lied to
our children again and he said so you
either need to follow through or not say
it if you say something and don’t follow
through you have undermined your
Authority with your kids and again
making it very confusing yeah about what
you actually mean and what you actually
don’t mean I know and I’ve been so
guilty I mean
I think also it’s important and this is
for you moms of boys uh because I like I
said I grew up in a girl home and I
found that I always wanted to navigate
with my husband as he disciplines the
boys like I always want to be like well
they didn’t mean it and this is you know
well you know maybe you should do this
and I mean because a woman we always
have input and we always think you know
it’s my baby and like you said get them
but you know let me hold them first so
this is there’s this Dynamic and the
Lord really said to me havilah your
husband is a man yeah and he’s talking
to another man yeah and for you to get
involved is going to mess up what’s
happening in him training them to be men
and the Lord really challenged me and
said you know you you kind of have no
business in this moment uh if if your
husband is doing something that is not
right I will talk to him and I will I
will fix it but this moment and for
letting him speak to your boys if you
keep getting involved then they’re going
to always revert to the nurturing softer
side but they won’t learn how to be men
and so I feel the Lord the Holy Spirit
often times do this with me because I
want to jump in and the Lord’s like
don’t do it don’t do it and I also will
um because my husband is not as
boisterous as I am
um or or you know verbal my husband is
more yes yeah he’s you know Italian
fully boisterous yeah you got a little
more a little more equality in that but
um is that the Lord will say
um set your husband up to give the
council and so I’ll say Hey you know I
think I think Dad would have something
really good to say about this even
though I feel like I could talk circles
around it and I have every point the
Lord really is saying listen you have to
give your husband value in the home and
let him be the leader and the voice in
your home and again that’s in a
two-parent home I’m talking about uh but
but set him up for Success versus every
time he talks correcting him and saying
I wouldn’t do it that way it actually
the man doesn’t want to be corrected all
the time so yeah that is really
important I know I know and then also
that sense of like they talk boy they
talk boy so let them talk boy
um and I will even dismiss myself from
the room if I feel like I can’t control
it because I’ve heard myself in timeout
right where you’re like hey and he’s
talking to him and I’m like can barely
hold it together because I want to get
in there I will leave the room and go
you know what let him do that and uh
he’ll even at times be really hard like
I want you guys to carry the load and
you need to do this and I’m like but
they went to school all day and they
have this and I want to give excuses and
I go that is not going to make them good
husbands that’s going to make them good
Sons but not good husbands so like at
the end of the day we’re really letting
him be the man in the home and letting
him talk to them how he wants to talk to
them without me being involved and you
you need to understand just as you might
feel confident of being a mother not all
fathers feel super confident about being
a father and if the mother is constantly
undermining or correcting I mean I’ve
had my boys physical homie in the
kitchen when John has taken other boys
like into out of the room but you know
if you’re under money then you’re going
to undermine his confidence and he’s
going to be more likely to over respond
or to withdraw and neither of those are
things that are going to be good you
don’t want to be overly harsh and you
don’t want them to withdraw from the
process so sometimes this requires a
conversation between the mother and the
father and the mother can sit down and
say honey I feel like I really want your
help but then you try to help me and
then I tell you you’re not helping me
the way I want your help and then I try
to be the dad and the mom and you know
what you need to have that conversation
and say you know what let’s let’s figure
this out when John and I disagree we go
out of the room we try as much as
possible to go out of the room when it
came to the kids and say uh you know I I
didn’t I didn’t like that and so John
isn’t undermining me I’m not undermining
him and then if if there was a mistake
um the parent that made the mistake gets
to go to the child and say I’m sorry not
the parent that didn’t make the mistake
and was like your dad was wrong you
don’t do that let the parent that wants
to talk to the son go to the Sun and
talk to him every young man wants a
strong connection with his father he
wants to make his father proud he he
really wants to do that he you know he
wants to love his mother but but he
needs that strong connection you don’t
want to get in the middle because your
husband’s not doing it perfectly because
guess what you’re not doing it perfectly
either so you need to back away from
that that’s right and really encourage
some some of you will have to repent and
say I’m sorry you know I’ve been leading
this I’ve been leading everything and I
thought leadership was me being bossy or
me being antagonistic and maybe reading
means you doing everything I want you to
do you’re doing it right right or or
undermining I mean there are some of us
and we I’ve done this myself at times
where um Dad says something and then
when he leaves I change it and that’s
not good either kids see all of that and
so the honesty of you know and you left
I did what I wanted to do because I felt
like this was right but it really
undermined you as a leader
um and that just takes me again we’re
surrendering to God in our leadership
and and you know we go what if they’re
doing it wrong you know what if that’s
what if they’re being too angry or what
if they’re doing this and I’m not I’m
not giving permission for abuse or
someone that’s out of control that’s
that’s genuinely hurting right but I I
am saying you need we need to trust God
that God will talk to them and take care
of them and uh you know we have to trust
God that we will make mistakes all of us
will we’re not held to the bar of
perfection uh but we are held the bar of
being honest and open vulnerable and
giving our best and growing what it is
and growing growing and be repentant and
humble in front of our kids you know um
have a you know I love that my boys can
look back and laugh at some of our
mistakes I mean they like they like
laugh like we’re like oh wow you guys
remember that huh you know I mean like
they laugh at our mistakes the truth is
there’s some gaps in our lives and all
of our parenting that God feels God
fills with our kids and so as long as we
honor God our kids know that we’re not
the source God is the source and I
remember very very early on I read a
parenting book and I was you know
parenting my first child and it was like
what is your goal as a parent and I
believe it’s a book by H Norman right
and it’s it’s and I said oh my goal is
to raise men of God who you know and
like I had this lofty Vision thing and
and I turned the page and I was like I’m
getting I’m getting 100 on this one I’m
getting 100 and and I got an F because
he actually said as parents and this
needs to be your goal as parents our
goal is to raise children who are
independent of us and dependent on God
and so if we can always get our children
back to a dependency on God then they’re
gonna they’re gonna navigate our
Ridiculousness well but but again we
don’t want to undermine our husbands out
of fear and then you know let’s talk
about the single mother let’s talk about
the single mother maybe she doesn’t have
anybody backing her maybe she would like
I wish I had somebody to correct I wish
I had somebody you’re a single mom
you’re not a single mom and a single dad
you’re just a single mom and you know
here’s the thing you’ve got a god Gap
you know that spiritually your son can
be connected with his heavenly father
and that heavenly father is not going to
make the mistakes or whatever but
heavenly father and you know we you know
that you know we we leave and you
getting men involved in your life and
then love and life for your children
that you know their private life that
you feel really good about them because
there are some scary people out there
that would prey on your young boys
because they know they’re hungry for a
father’s figure and so you know in a
community of faith I remember John was
out of town one time and my boys were
all acting up and we had a Air Force
Colonel down the street that had five
boys and I his name was Dr behrender and
I just called him and I said Dr
Behringer my boys are out of control now
this is what happens when boys are
bigger bigger than you yeah bigger than
you and I said I need your help and he
rang the doorbell and my boys my boys
didn’t know he was coming and they
answered the door and there’s Dr
Behringer and he was like really big and
he’s like why am I here why am I here
why am I here and they’re all like ah
and I remember I remember he was like at
Austin like like rolled his eyes and he
like picked up Austin and walked out of
the room with him Sat him down and was
like you and I are having a man man it
was like last time I was like do I need
to call Dr B you know so I mean it was
like military invasion in my house my
boys were like my mom’s got back up my
mom has some backup and uh you know and
then you know when we didn’t live closer
to Dr behrender anymore I remember what
time Addison my oldest son he was over
six feet and he like mocked me across
across the counter here and I looked at
him and I said so help me God I will fly
over this counter and I will take you
down to the ground and he was like you
can’t do that I was like God will
Empower me to do it you know and so I
mean don’t let them bully you yeah don’t
let them bully you don’t let them bully
don’t compromise your boundaries don’t
feel guilty because you don’t have a
father for them you have authority you
have the word of God you get people
around that you can trust but don’t back
down or make allowances or spoil your
kids because of something they’re
missing in one area won’t be doing you
any favor that’s right yeah and God’s
anointed you and you know an amazing
part I remember one time talking to a a
leader and I was saying you know what
happens like if somebody loses a parent
or they don’t have the parent involved
and and she said you know the amazing
part about our hearts is that you don’t
have to have the ideal situation for God
to fill that hole and she talked about
like you know you can have someone you
know someone that’s lost their parent
they have a grandparent and that
grandparent is able to feel love and
connection in a way that really does
meet that need and so sometimes we can
have an idealistic well it’s got to look
this way you know what God knows your
story he loves you he’s committed to who
you are and he will give you tools and
resources that some of us won’t even
have because it because you’re asking
and never negate the prayer never ask
God help you know my my dad was saved
from from his mother’s prayers of 25
years on Mother’s Day he was saved an
atheist out you know and I think and and
didn’t want anything to do with god
um and and she was a single mom at that
point a widow um you know she prayed she
prayed him into the Kingdom so never
negate that too if some of you have kids
that are past that point of them really
reasoning with them about life pray ask
God to intervene and he will get them as
they continue to go through life I
believe that you are incredible you’re
the heroes you really are single moms
really you guys you’re the heroes you’re
crazy Heroes and We Know It And I want
to say this to moms that that you know
that do have a husband I would challenge
you to actually seek out some single
moms that are in your community invite
them over to church after Sunday just
let them be around a family just let
them see your husband interact with your
kids you can invite them it’s easier for
you as a mother with a father to invite
a single woman into your house and that
single woman to go out and try to locate
a man to be there so get somebody’s
already doing it well if you know your
husband and and let your kids see the
value of being a family and because
there’s nothing more powerful than that
and um yeah so anyway we don’t want to
undermine we don’t want to undermine our
god-given Authority God will close up
these gaps that are in their lives
whether it’s just a gap in how you’re
related sure you and your husband need
to sit down and let him talk let him
talk hear from him how he feels whether
you’re building him whether you’re
setting him up to be success or whether
you’re undermining I know I had more of
a tendency to undermine because of the
fear that I had right from the way I was
raised from being an abusive household
but here’s the thing every family has a
chance for a new beginning and these are
new beginning dates for you
so let’s talk about what it’s like if
you are trying to navigate these things
and you’re on your own maybe you’re a
single mom or maybe your husband’s at
work all day and you’ve got things
you’ve got to navigate hey don’t push it
all off on him don’t push it all off on
him because you know what happens you
build up the tension of an unresolved
issue all day your husband comes home
and then you’re like beat the children
and then he takes them in the back room
you’re like no no no no I didn’t really
mean it I didn’t really mean it you and
your husband need to have conversations
about how you’re going to discipline
your kids have conversations when you’re
not in this heated moment of frustration
and if either of you are frustrated then
give each other permission to say let’s
step out of the room and have a little
bit of a discussion on some of the best
ways to address this single moms I know
that’s got to be a challenge for you I
was never a single mom but I had I had
an absent husband my husband traveled a
lot and I couldn’t make my husband like
the bad guy I had to be able to walk in
authority but I also learned it was
really rough to try to be both the dad
and the mom just be the mom just be the
mom discipline like a mom nurture like a
mom decide how you’re going to you know
confront some things and then be
consistent and then here’s another thing
I want you to do maybe you and your
husband have a great Dynamic going on
and you figure out how you’re going to
get that Rhythm invite some single moms
into your home and let them get to see
how their kids you know their kids get
to see how you correct your kids how you
are training your kids if you’re a
single mom maybe you have a family that
you wish would invite you ask them ask
them say hey I am raising my son’s by
myself I would love them to have some
father contact go ahead ask for help go
ahead decide you’re going to how you’re
going to frame this and then stay with
it don’t have an emotional response stay
with it I know you can do this