P.S. On January 25-26 we are hosting an online event called Ways to Win at Home. It’s a two-night online event to help you build a healthy, holy, & fun family! Register today (messengerinternational.org/win) and make 2022 the year you win at home!

welcome to the very first episode of


for 2022 i’m lisa and i’m joined by my

husband john and this is actually a

first yes this is a first i’m super

excited that 2022

is here we want this to be a year where

you equip to win at home yes i love that

we’re talking about home we’re talking

about family we’re talking about winning

at home with your family and

relationships in parenting we get lots

of questions about that and why we’re

kicking off on a podcast this year this

year we’re answering all the questions

john that we got

last year so

let me just let me lay a foundation for


what does god desire he desires a family

yeah right right from the beginning

before any of us were ever created god

said i want a family so what we’re

talking about over these next two

podcasts is so important to the heart of

god tons of family things okay so i want

to ask you guys if you haven’t already

subscribe rate this show this really

actually helps us get it out there when

you share it with other people it gives

us greater reach when you leave a review

that also really helps and sometimes if

you leave something we might even read

it on the show

this is from ari he says john and lisa i

cannot tell you how much this episode

has ministered to me i’m not sure which

one it was but it ministered to him not

only have i listened to every single

episode but i just went through your

marriage course

on messenger x app a lot of people may

not know this but we have a marriage

course on the messenger x app as well i

just got married this past summer and

learning from the two of you has been

one of the greatest blessings i will

continue to share these messages with my

friends and family love and blessings

all right

thank you so much thank you

yeah he’s an answer to our prayers it’s

very encouraging we love it when people

share it with their friends and family

so we are we already kind of teased this

that you are about to hear us talk about

questions and answers questions and

answers and about winning at home

winning at home john and i we we’ve

reviewed a bunch of questions and we’re

just going to say right now

there are some things we know there are

some things we don’t know

we just answered to our best of ability

on all of these questions and answers we

want you to do better than we’ve done it

so we’re going to open up we’re going to

be transparent we’re going to hope that

you find a seed of encouragement



insight in our conversations around this

kind of thing so let’s just jump in take

it away

so lisa here’s a question our partners

asked all right how do you protect your

kids in this time without sheltering

them wow and i don’t know that

sheltering i think they’re trying to say

without being overprotected maybe yeah

you know you and i had a policy of


but but uh disciplined and and i you

know i’m trying to think was that a

right term because i know that we had

friend friends that were completely

super strong with their kids sheltered

them kept them from every single

challenge kept them from ever any

encountering anything that would

taint them or whatever and again it’s

not that we want to expose our kids to a

lot of

things that are going to defile them

wound them or anything like that but the

truth is it is good as a parent

to navigate i saw something today on

instagram i saw this mama bear and a

baby bear scaling this iceberg and i

watched as the mama bear like you know

it was hard but she got up and the baby

bear kept falling and the caption read

it would have been okay for the mama to

carry the baby bear on her back but then

the baby bear would never have learned

how through struggling how to be able to

ascend and so i think we we need to

watch that we don’t out of fear

hide our children over protect them but

we position them to process things with

us so i almost feel like it’s kind of

like a controlled exposure yeah and if

you think about it lisa we did shelter

them from things uh we wouldn’t let them

watch uh our movies we wouldn’t let them

watch x movies we if we did watch movies

yes we don’t let ourselves watch xbox i

know we don’t either so but if we did

watch a movie that had some

uh some things in it that were violent

or something like that we would always

talk it through with them because we’d

rather have them talk it through with us

yes than with their friends and um we we

were protective in the area of dating

and phones there were some things we did

that we felt like hey there’s a certain

age when somebody should get a phone

there’s a certain age when they should

date but i think the thing that we did

is that we kept conversation open we

always told our sons you can talk to us

about anything and we welcome that and

we also introduce topics rather than

having those topics introduced to them

yeah like we we said okay we want to

have the first impression around this

rather than our kids coming out they’re

finding out something and think what

else are my parents hiding from us so

that was kind of it so yeah well done

anything else you want to say about that

nope okay what is your best tip for

parenting strong-willed

children stay calm and stay firm and

don’t make threats that you’re not gonna

carry through on in other words if you

do that one more time i’m going to spank

you and they do it three more times and

you’ve done nothing just just yell at

them so when it comes to strong-willed

children you have to show them that you

can calmly be stronger than them and

then if you do say

i’m going to bring discipline in on this

you carry through with your word i think

almost kids will learn that their

parents don’t mean what they say when

parents give

vain warnings

another warnings they’re not planning on

carrying through

i’ve i’ve watched sometimes when are you

talking about me when i would yell at

the boys and say i’m going to spank all

of you when i hang up this phone and

then you’d be like are you really going

to do that and i’d be like no well i

remember that conversation but yeah i

mean i’ve i’ve looked at i’ve looked at

i’ve been in situations in other homes

where i’ve watched you know parents

almost like i want to get them quiet so

i’m going to make a threat on them so i

can keep working

and yet they don’t carry through with

the threat it just tells those kids

right there my parents don’t mean what

they say john are you a strong-willed

child were you a strong child yes i was

a strong wheelchair i was a

strong-willed child i i want to say

actually i really love strong-willed

children both of us do i don’t like

rebellious you know but strong will i

think there needs to be a way to


the strength of their wills and to

reward their strengths and one of the

things i didn’t like as a strong-willed

child is i didn’t like my choices taken

away and i know that one of our sons one

was just super compliant if you said hey

this is what i want you to do he would

just do it and the other one if you said

hey this is what i want you to do he was

like now i feel compelled to do the

opposite of what you just told me and i

found that what worked with him

was to give him choices so you give him

two choices that are both wins

excuse me

and then they can choose and so they

kind of think they’re in control but

you’re actually the one in control

because you’re giving them two choices

that you would validate that’s excellent

so i know i know i had to do that with

austin yep so that would be it

here’s a question what is the one thing

you complained about or couldn’t wait to

be over in your early days of parenting

but now you wish you could go back to it

i i know that um it’s not so much a

complaint it’s a regret you know i was

um i think i i was more concerned about

trifolding their underwear

bleaching the grout with the toothbrush

and our tile uh cleaning up and i was

surviving my family rather than enjoying

them i wish i would have gotten down on

the floor and played with my boys more

and played with you more i still like

there’s this memory in my head

of me sitting on the floor folding

laundry and you coming out of our

bedroom and saying

hey do you want to go golfing and i

looked at you i said look at what i’ve

got i’ve got all this laundry to do you

are you kidding look at what i have to

do and you said oh yeah i see that and

then you left but what i really wanted

you to do is say oh my gosh i’ll get

down on that floor i’ll fold that with

you and then we’ll go but because i

regret that because i wish i would have

done that but so i do because it would

have taught my boys a great lesson i

wish i would have enjoyed my husband and

enjoyed my children more and not

stressed about the things they don’t

remember your kids don’t remember

whether your their underwear is

trifolded or not but they do remember

whether you were

stressed out or whether you were

available that’s really good okay who’s

i think it’s my term as a married adult

are you a married adult yeah how do you

maintain your ground when you disagree

with your

long time since i’ve been asked if i’m

adult sorry i checked out on that


how do i let me look at this how do you

gain ground when you how do you maintain

your ground when you disagree with your

own parents well lisa we had two totally

different situations uh you and i had uh

different parents my parents hardly ever

were involved in what we did they

said to me one day they said when you

got married we

we pulled away from giving you

instruction and orders and things to do

however we had a situation with your

mother where she felt like she should

still be involved in telling us how to

raise our family

i personally believe and i’ve i’ve taken

that stance um our married children i

don’t give un asked for advice i may

suddenly try to give it would you be

interested in hearing what i’d like to

say about this if they say no i stay out

of it

um i don’t want to interfere with the

way they’re raising their family it’s my

hope that you and i did a really good

job preparing them to be heads of their

home and that they’ll make wise

decisions with the way we we trained and

imparted to them up to their years but i

really feel like when god says a man

shall leave his father and mother

was he talking about because those guys

would build a house right next to their

parents um

back in the days the jewish days

i believe god is saying they leave their

parents authority so you still honor

your parents but you don’t obey your

parents so

i look at my parents they never really

got involved in our business they just

loved our kids they loved us they

supported us but they never told us how

to run our family and i really

appreciated that you know so i think i’d

speak to the person that maybe is having

a hard time knowing how to draw that


and i think that

you can do it respectfully where you can


you know i love that you want to be

involved in our family

here are some ways i’d really welcome

your involvement so that the parent

doesn’t feel like they have no value

because i’ll be honest with you i felt

like your parents

i would love to have seen him more



i would love to see my mom less involved

and your parents were involved um this

is the way we’d love to for you to be

involved and invite us in to that

i know that even addison and julia have

said hey if our kids are at your house

and they act up we want you to

discipline them you know so they invited

us into disciplining their kids like

tell them how you want them to behave in

their house don’t don’t just tolerate

their presence and not train them so i

think it depends on the family so i

think having a conversation i was just

gonna say i’m having a

maybe over stepping in the bounds saying

i love your input in this area in this

area we’re just going to do something a

little different but how about a

preventative conversation i think as i’m

listening to both the challenges we went

through the thought just came to me well

if i was doing this again i’d sit down

and say

this is how much i would love for you to

be involved it was like addison and

julie asked us to be involved years

later and i think if they would have

asked it sooner it would have framed the

way we were handling things differently

if i would have said that to my parents

you know hey i’d like to talk to you i’d

like you to be a little more involved

and this is where i’d love for you to be

involved and they’d say well we really

don’t want to do that we’re not

comfortable with it yeah your parents

were like hey we checked out but maybe

preventative conversations would help

resentment not start building up because

one thing i’ve seen in ministering all

these years when it comes to families

what happens is people don’t address it

until the resentment builds up now we’ve

got a mountain going on in our heart and

our soul and we’re just like oh i’m so

frustrated with this instead of right

from the beginning saying okay how do we

want to handle this you know how how

involved you know maybe the kids sitting

down with the parents and say this is we

really want you to be involved in this

and this and this and and and what do

you feel and just having a real good

boundary conversation i think would be a

great idea awesome awesome

all right so

how did you talk to your kids lisa about

dating when they were teenagers well we

had we had some interesting

conversations one of the things that we

told our boys and again we’re not

against dating

um but we did tell the boys that if you

date somebody exclusively sometimes you

lose them as a friend

and we had to say to them are you

willing to like if you’re going out with

this girl

that means that you will go out with her

for a little while

and maybe three months later

she hates you and are you okay with that

because it seems like that a lot of

times that’s a cost and so we really try

to encourage them

to to date as

like friend in groups as friends like

hey hang out together as friends we were

not against dating um we

we also didn’t really feel like

dating should happen early on we we

tried to to delay it much later

and um we

we tried to foster that the kids could

bring girls to the house you know guys

to the house you know just all hang out

together and make it a really fun place

to be in a safe place to be


i think a lot of times there’s a whole

lot of pressure

on young kids to be emotionally involved


other young kids when they’re

emotionally immature and so i think it’s

you can put your kids in dangerous

situations you know i would have loved

to tell my boys you can’t date to your

22 that’s when you can get married but

that’s not that’s not feasible but you

know um one thing that you and i did

tell the boys that i think is very

helpful for parents

is that we said

if you and if you if you go on a date

with this girl and this is when they

were older of course because we did not

allow our kids to date until they were a

certain age we said i’m trying was it

like 15 no no it wasn’t it was it was

like 17.

i know arden dated before well

it was that that’s another that’s


that was something he kind of

did outside of our council and he still

talks about how much he regrets it so if

i if i look at what we did tell him is

we said look you got to realize this

young lady

if she doesn’t end up being your wife

you’re actually out right now with

somebody else’s wife in the future and

treat her the way you would want guys to

treat your future wife we would say that

to them and that really helped bring

them perspective and i think

scripturally that’s what paul says to

timothy who says treat younger women as

sisters so in other words she’s not your

wife yet and if she’s not going to be

your wife

which is there could be a very good

chance if it’s a dating situation she’s

going to be somebody else’s wife one day

right treat her the way you want

your future wife to be treated by the

guy she goes out with all right i love

that okay

when disciplining how do you facilitate

a change of heart in your kids and not

just a change in their behavior

that’s an interesting question because

sometimes sometimes a change in behavior

creates a change in heart and obviously

sometimes a change in heart

takes a while for a change in behavior

to work its way out so what would you

say i know that we always disciplined

our boys and talked about the why

well i mean i i’m gonna challenge that i

mean jesus said out of the heart comes

evil thoughts adultery murder i mean out

of the abundance of the heart that’s

that’s where our lifestyle comes from

and i i i but i would challenge you back

that if you have actions of love the

feelings follow so and absolutely hate

the feelings of hate follows so it’s

something it works both

start it yeah it start you can start

both ways yeah

but i think what we did is we appealed

to our sons on a heart level which is

wisdom level and we would always say

okay here’s the wisdom behind this

here’s here’s why you don’t want to do



i think when you continually rather than

just saying don’t do this if you show

the wisdom behind it because god even

gives us wisdom of why we don’t do

things right

i think it helps them with the heart



i think

the other thing that really helped is

hey guys

life is a long long life

i mean it’s a long time and you want to

do things now that you’re not going to

regret later so here’s what you want to

do now because if you do don’t do this

now you’re going to have regrets later

and you’re going to look back and say

why why did i do that right

and and i think we would constantly show

them the wisdom of why they didn’t want

to do what they were doing i’m thinking

as i’m holding a lollipop it made me

think about addison there was um there

was a season where addison had a

ridiculously long habit of lying where

he would just whenever he got in trouble

he would lie and he was a horrible liar

i mean he was obviously all over his

face fine

and i remember

we had kind of a rule that lying

received discipline yeah and i remember

i gave him a lollipop which i have a

lollipop so i don’t cough i gave him a

lollipop and he you know got it at the

bank he really wanted to hold it and i

said you can hold it but you can’t eat

it because we haven’t had lunch

and i’m driving in the car he’s in his

car seat and i hear the rapper and i’m

like addison

are you eating the lollipop he’s like no

no okay maybe he’s just kind of

making noise with it and i couldn’t

really see him and i get get him out the

car seat and

the lollipop it’s a stick it’s gone i

mean it’s completely gone i’m like did

you eat the lollipop which now obviously

i realized that that was a stupid

question i said just said you ate the

lollipop and he said no because he got

just getting so afraid of the cycle

of discipline and so i sat him on my lap

and i said all right

i’m going to give you mercy here because

you ate this lollipop and and you lied

about it

yes but you disobeyed and you lied but

but i could tell he was more afraid of

the discipline than he was learning of

the lesson and so i remember

when i gave him mercy in that moment

about the lollipop

he never lied again until much later

until he was a teen but yeah he stopped

the pattern of lying and so i think

sometimes when you when you want a heart

change you have to be spirit-led with

your kids with the discipline it can’t

just be rule-led because then it’s just

rule-led you’re going to only get change

of behavior but if it’s spirit-led you

can get change of freedom you know and i

want to encourage everyone on this

jacob jacob was a liar he was a deceiver

and until

he had an encounter with god at bethel

and that’s when he became israel the

prince of

god and you know prior to bethel it was

the god of abraham and isaac it was the

god of my father and grandfather

once he became my god

things changed and i remember that

happened with addison addison was at a

certain point at 16 years old he was in

a meeting i’ll never forget the meeting

it was actually like a four-hour meeting

yeah and it just so happened i i was

doing the meeting he’d been how many i

mean hundreds of services that i’d done

before but in this one particular

meeting presence of god fell and addison

was never ever the same again we never

had problems lying after that because

why he encountered god now i will say

you and i prayed passionately constantly

that all our kids would have an

encounter with god and when i look back

at all of them

i see encounters i remember arden’s

encounter specifically right now comes

to mind and when they had those

encounters we saw the change and i think

you can only do so much parenting but

then there has to be that supernatural

element of when

god and your child have an encounter

when that child no longer sees it as the

god of my parents

but now he is my lord jesus christ when

they wrestle with god and they get that


i love that

here’s a really good one

how did you create a fun environment and

maintain your authority as a parent well

i probably was i probably blurred those

lines a little bit where i was probably

more the fun environment and you were

more the authority environment if i

remember right

and it was kind of a dance so sometimes

i know that excuse me it would get

confusing to our boys because they’re

like hey we’re just all and then all of

a sudden i’d go into mom authority mode

and they’re like what just happened

so i i think

understanding that complication


maintaining your authority without ever

abusing it and understanding authority

is for provision protection and


and you can do all of those while having


i think that i think it was um

having conversations again i mean i i’m

thinking everything with our kids always

came back to a conversation so like well

how would you answer that awesome i had

very specific

conversations with each of the boys and

i and what i said to them is i said i

want to be your best friend

however i am first your parent i am

second your best friend so if we’re

playing if we’re having fun and i got

the friend cap on but all of a sudden i

see a need that you need to be

instructed you need to be corrected you

need to be disciplined i’m going to put

that dad cap on and you’re not dealing

with your friend you’re dealing with

that and i’m always going to be dad

first and foremost

i’m too rough with each other yeah it

comes out yep yep and they knew that and

they could see when that would change

with me because all of a sudden they

were like they’d stiffen up because they


uh there’s consequences if you don’t

listen to what i say


that’s that’s the way i did it because i

i think sometimes

parents are afraid to be to do fun

things and be friends with their


because they they risk losing that

ability to be a protective authority and

i think if you sit down you explain it

i have two caps

one cap is your friend i want to wear

that as much as possible but the other

cap is my god-given responsibility

and that is your protection and i’m

going that cap takes top priority over

the friend cap that’s good and so i

think if you do that i think you can

keep both environments all right let’s

go to the next one okay looking back

what’s one thing you wish you would have

known as a parent

i really wish now this is me i really

wish i would have relaxed a lot more i

was uptight with especially my older two



and you know i was so concerned my kids

were going to end up

like other kids were going during the

day that i was seeing and i didn’t want

them to end up in

drugs and and you know getting a girl

pregnant and all of that and i wanted

them so much to be walking with god i

was a little too uptight at times and i

wish i would have relaxed a little more

and enjoyed the moments okay and i would

say to every young mother that i would

agree for different reasons but that you

can relax because your baby has no idea

you don’t know what you’re doing and so

i think that if you just kind of chill a

little bit because kids pick up your

cues and if you’re stressed they’re

stressed and so i think you kind of can

reflect that and then the other thing i

wish i would have known


that the mistakes you make

they’re not deal breakers like if you

you can mess up as a parent and

and your kids are gonna still be okay

because i think a lot of parents are

really hard on themselves and i think

one of the things they can do is have

that conversation like hey i just yelled

and i didn’t need to and i’m so sorry or

i just you know reacted in a way or i

snapped whatever it is you can you can

model humility for your kids and that

doesn’t diminish your authority it

actually helps establish it well i think

it’s one of the

i think it was one of the wisest things

we did without knowing it was wise


we apologize to our kids when we were


and i want everybody to listen to this

carefully there’s not one perfect parent

on the planet which means you’re going

to make mistakes as parents so if you

make a mistake own it

and repent before your kids

and our kids have said to us since it

made them feel safe here’s a question


how do you deal with the fear of

repeating the mistakes your own parents

made that’s a good question so

fear is a horrible counselor

it’s almost a guarantee that if you

listen to fear that you will repeat

those mistakes

i think the number one thing that stops

you from repeating the same mistakes is

forgiving your parents for their

mistakes i don’t think it’s enough to be

like hey i’m not going to ever do what

my parents did to me

that’s going to be a reactionary

response rather than a spirit led

rather than a wisdom response

i think you you just can forgive your

parents and say hey

they they did as good as they knew how

to do

and i know better so i’m going to do

better i’m not going to make excuses for

myself or blame them i’m just going to

i’m going to live in a different realm

and you and i sat down together and this

seems to be a conversation i remember

more than you and we talked through a


of our decisions that we were how we’re

going to raise our kids

you brought things to your to the table

how your parents did things and what you

loved about it and what maybe you

you wish you’d seen more of or less of

i did the same with my parents we sat

down we strategized what are we going to

do how do we want to approach this and i

think having a plan is important ahead

of time instead of saying i don’t want

to do what my parents did we figure out

what we do want to do whenever you have

that kind of attitude i don’t want to do

what my parents did you swing the

pendulum almost every time which means

you go from one extreme behavior to the

other and neither are right it’s the

it’s the perfect balance you know being

in athletics all my life

there’s something that every athlete


the very worst performance you’re ever

going to give is when you try not to do

something when fear is your your

governor like i i don’t want to be i

don’t want to be up because there’s two

outs out and there’s two guys on the

base and if i blow it well you are going

to blow it wow the the athlete that has

the right mental

outlook says i want to be the guy that’s

up when there’s two outs and there’s two

guys on play

because what that does that it’s amazing

that’s more of a faith whatever is not a

faith is sin that’s more of a faith

attitude right

a positive faith attitude

you will end up performing well because

something goes between your subconscious

and your whole muscle memory everything

as an athlete you perform well if you

say i can’t leave this putt short you’re

going to leave the putt short i mean

i’ve learned this so many times so when

it comes away so i can’t leave this putt

short and you’re going to leave it short

what would you say

i need to make sure i do oh i’m going to

run this putt right smack dab in the

middle of the hole okay so

it’s it’s the way you look at things and

if if and i look at this with the way

people parent

if you if you doing everything out of my

parents were horrible at this i’m not

going to do it you’re probably going to

swing the pendulum the proper way of

saying okay i’m not going to do it that

way what does the word of god say about

this area and operate out of that

so in other words i looked at things

that my parents did that were healthy

right according to the word and i said

okay leave it alone i’m gonna i’m gonna

i’m gonna mimic that

but now things that were not good i had

to look and say well what does the word

of god say about this instead of just

saying there’s no way i’m going to

behave like that you’ll go to the other


and i’ve seen it time and time again

with young parents they’re like doing

the exact opposite of their parents but

yet they’ve gone to the other extreme

i’m just gonna say this have grace for

your parents

because you’re gonna make mistakes with

your kids and you’re gonna want your

kids to have grace for you

thanks for joining in you just listened

to part one that was just part one we

got lots of those lots of questions a

lot of answers there was there was some

trepidation there on family and


i just really want to say thanks for

your questions you guys were so

transparent you you just really dug deep

on some of those things really good

questions lisa yeah and we want to we

want to kick off your year

to our best ability answering these

questions again i just want to say

please please please rate review

subscribe share with your friends when

you do this it helps us get it out and

if you haven’t already

why haven’t

why haven’t they already if you haven’t

already download the messenger x app

john there is a bazillion courses in a

bazillion languages there are short

films there is audio books why wouldn’t

you just like there’s stuff for children

there’s probably you stuff

just go

to the app store and type in messenger x

do not do a space between the r and the


and you’ll go right to it or if you’re

on an if you have an android go to

google play if you have a computer go to

messengerx.com and join the family hey

already it’s not even a year old over 14

000 cities in the world there are people

that have downloaded it in 220 nations

of the world that’s mind-blowing in less

than a year yeah and we’re highlighting

when at home so there’s things like

healthy relationships moms of men so i

want to close out happy new years and

until next time this has been

conversations with lisa and john bouvier

thanks for listening to conversations

with john and lisa we want to let you

know about something really exciting

that’s coming up on january 25th and

26th john and lisa are hosting a

two-night online event called ways to

win at home two nights to build a

healthy holy and fun family these two

nights will help equip you in the areas

of family and parenting and begin 2022

by winning where it matters most at home

to register for the ways to win at home

event simply visit


forward slash win that’s


forward slash

w-i-n you can also find the link to

register in the show notes of this

podcast we’re so honored you chose to

tune into the podcast today let us know

your thoughts by leaving a review you

can subscribe and share these episodes

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wherever you get your podcasts and while

you’re there be sure to check out our

other shows in the messenger podcast

network including the godmother with

lisa bevere and let’s talk about it with

sons and daughters you can also connect

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you can download the messenger x app

today in the app store until next time