The Impact of My Anger — Lisa Bevere

I remember that John would like say I

don’t understand why you get so angry

and I’d say you make me

angry but when I prayed excavate my life

the anger that was just once a month

possibly my husband would be like are

you getting ready to start I’d be like

stop it it’s not that it’s not that and

it was that but I said it wasn’t

that then it was not once a month but

like every two weeks well that was when

I realized we were under spiritual

attack the witches in Orlando were

probably significantly targeting a

single youth pastor they were coming

after my husband in the spirit and so

possibly the witches were causing me to

freak out twice a

month then it went from twice a month to

once a week and I remember John saying I

feel like the you know the animals in

our neighborhood go running because I

would wake up feeling like there was a

Tremor inside of me and I would say

things like John just just don’t push me

today is not the day to push me but John

loves to push and he’d be like what’s

going on what’s going on come on you

need to talk to me and and we would like

go to bed and he would say you’re still

mad at me he would turn on the light he

would pull off the covers he would stand

on top of the mattress and say we will

not let the sun go down on our wrath and

I was like we started fighting when it

was dark

out I have till tomorrow he’d be like no

so I mean I was like okay this man’s

crazy and I remember we were in the

kitchen and I was trying to hold my

tongue because I had read the scripture

that you and I are going to give an

account of every Idol word and I could

just see my time in before the throne

room like they’re gonna be like are we

still talking about Lisa’s Idols words I

mean it was GNA go on and on and on and

so I would try to be quiet and John just

said something and before I knew what

happened the plate in my hand became a

frisbee I pulled back I threw it at John

he ducked kind of like a matrix

move missing

decapitation it went out the window the

problem was the window was closed I

shattered our picture window in our

apartment I remember thinking what have

I done and my husband was like I can’t

believe you just did that I said I know

I can’t even throw a frisbee I can’t

believe I just did that either he’s like

no Lisa I’m serious he said I am not

going to lifee for you when they come I

am going to tell them that my crazy

Sicilian wife threw a plate at me and

broke the window and I said you know

what you’re a man of God I don’t want

you to lie but I will not be here when

you tell them this and so I got in our

car and we and I just prayed in tongues

I mean I just prayed in tongues I was

like Jesus Jesus you can put that window

back together before they come I jesus

like I had gotten the plate off the lawn

I was like Jesus you can do this and I

was like I I will offer my firstborn

child because that’s all I had I will

offer him for the full-time Ministry if

you will fix the window I mean I like

try to negotiate everything possible I

imagined the worst things that I could

imagine I saw the Orlando sentinel’s

newspaper headline youth pastor’s wife

breaks picture window at post Lake

Apartments I imagined all the older

women at the church that were already

troubled by the fact I had double

pierced ear

saying I always knew it I always knew it

that when I’d come to church on Sunday

they’d be like it’s the double piercing

I’ve seen it seen it before I was just I

covered myself in shame I prayed I

waited for about three hours and then I

come home and I walk in and John looks

at me and he said you must have really

been praying or God must really love you

and I said okay why he said Well when

the guy came in I was in the bathroom

and he said Addison who was two opened

the door he said when Addison opened the

door the guy walked in and goes whoa

what happened here I mean the big window

broken he walks over to the window looks

down and there’s a Tonka truck behind

the sofa he picks up the Tonka truck he

has it in his hand when John walks out

the guy was like don’t worry about this

this is why we have insurance at the

apartment complex I have a 2-year-old

too and myand was like it it’s it’s not

the 2-year-old it’s my it’s my

28-year-old wife but the guy said say no

more say no more so John said I said no

more he said say no

more so I let my two-year-old

son take the wrap for me breaking a

picture

window and I remember I went from being

like sad and feeling so much

condemnation about it to climbing into

bed with my husband that night and

saying

see see you shouldn’t have pushed me see

see like that was that was a covering

for me that was the Lord covering your

wife who you’re going to dishonor I went

from a place of broken conviction to a

place of

justification

then I had my second child can I just

say it this way one child is an

accessory you dress them

up they behave well they’re cute it’s

all a trick to have you get you to have

more children I remember when I had my

second son I thought I will never brush

my teeth before noon again I remember

that John would leave with our only car

to go be a youth pastor and I’d be like

pray for me pray for me he’d be like

you’re going to be okay I’d be like no

pray for me pray for me right now pray

for me and for the safety of your

children and he was like you you’ve got

this but what John didn’t understand was

now my first born who had been so

perfect he couldn’t take a nap he

couldn’t take a nap because I might be

kissing the second baby while he was

taking a nap and so basically every

single day I got up and my my firstborn

would not go down for a nap back then

again phones were not portable this is

how old I am phones were not portable

when the phone would ring my son would

be like she’s captive he would jump off

of his bed and he would go into the

playroom and I would be on the phone

with somebody stomping my foot waving a

spank spoon at him and he’d be like I

see that hand but I am not going

anywhere he would just stay up there as

so basically right when I finally got

him to go to sleep the baby would wake

up my milk would let down and then I’d

know I was going to flunk the tests that

I was flunking every single day my

husband would come in and he would look

at me I’d be standing there with the

baby’s in my arms my nursing flaps down

a spank spoon in my other

hand a three-year-old all on my leg and

he’d be like what did you do all day day

and I’d say I don’t

know but I was busy people are calling

and saying they’re going to commit

suicide and I am offering to join them

John was like Lisa

seriously I don’t know why we had a

listed phone

number but we we thought it was holy but

you should not call postpartum women for

counseling just remember that okay so

anyway I just remember one day my son

came down the

stairs and I just snapped I no longer

saw a child I saw an enemy I thought

this is the one who keeps me from

getting anything done and as he came

down the stairs I came running up to

meet him I grabbed him and I stormed

into his bedroom and I thought what can

I do so he stays on this bed

and I heard slam him against the wall

and put him down that’s not funny slam

him against the wall and put him down on

the bed that he’ll know and I remember I

was lifting my son up and I was just

getting ready to slam him into the wall

when I saw something I had never seen

before my son was not afraid of what I

was going to

do he was afraid of me yeah and I

remembered what it was like growing up

in a physically and mentally abusive

household and every time I was slapped

every time I was slammed into a wall

every time I was kicked every time I was

hit I made myself a promise and it went

like this I will never treat my children

that way but here here I was a born

again Spirit-filled pastor’s wife

getting ready to hurt my son and it

broke me I remember I put him down I

said I’m sorry I scared you and I hit

the carpet and I said God it’s not my

husband he’s not here it’s not the

witches it’s not my parents it’s not

Sicilian it’s not Apache it’s me me I

have a real problem with anger and I

don’t know how to get

free and I don’t know if you’ve ever

cried until there is

nothing but in the nothing in the

Stillness when a storm has gone through

your soul and you cry and a quietness

settles over you I heard God say because

you’re no longer justifying this I’ll

sets you free