Love & Balance with Pastors Touré Roberts & Sarah Jakes Roberts

hey family i’m pastor torre welcome to

one youtube channel you’re getting ready

to hear a phenomenal message it’s gonna

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go to the website all the information is

there and let’s get into this powerful

amazing word god bless you

god bless you family happy sunday to you

and today we’re gonna have a lot of fun

we were praying about it and because we

know that valentine’s day is tomorrow

and um and many people are under the

theme of love we decided to do something

special and i’ve got a special guest

with me today

pastor sarah come on somebody we gonna

will you be my valentine let’s just go

and cut to this you know i’m married

what and i’m happily married so why you

always hit my line there ah i’m still

struggling you know

oh don’t make me kill you right here in

front of everybody okay all right all

right i’ll be your valentine will you be

mine that’s the question

do you see what i did

but she pushed up on me strong to start

this whole thing that is not okay is

this what we’re doing in 2022 that is

not what happened babe okay

so

he was interrupting me in church a

pastor imagine that

interrupting me while we were at a

service and i just gave him an

opportunity that he was obviously

fishing for

and it turned out to be very beneficial

for him

this is true

you know the funny thing is if she

wouldn’t have stepped up um

god would have had to have gone a

different route because that just kind

of was my thing i just was uh

not timid because i never been timid but

um

i just wouldn’t have done it so thank

you you know i i thank you for stepping

to me i

though it’s not like i hit you you know

what i mean like i knew that when i shot

my shot that it was gonna go you know

what i mean i’m not trying to say i’m

lebron in these streets but i knew when

i put that thing in the air it was

nothing but next how did you know

because you was wide open baby and he

was watching oh so i was the thirst

buddy

let’s stay focused okay all right all

right all right

well listen today is gonna be a lot of

fun we’re gonna be talking about love

and balance

and of course you know we’re passionate

about both themes as you know i’ve got a

book coming out in april call balance

pastor sarah wrote the forward and

it’s just an incredible work and we’re

excited about

bringing balance and equilibrium to the

world because the truth of the matter is

man we just got off course and i just

believe that the what god gave us

to put into this book is going to help

so many people so those are the biggest

themes that are in our universe right

now love of course is valentine’s day

and then balance so we’re going to have

a lot of fun we’ve got questions some of

you sent in your questions so we’re

going to try to get to as many questions

as we can but we want to just begin our

conversation about love and balance and

we were kind of just you know just

talking in bed the other night we

realized that there is a connection

between love balance and imbalance

wouldn’t you say yeah there should be a

connection between love and balance but

i really feel like that when a person

first falls in love that it does create

imbalance love has a takeover spirit

which is why i think so many people are

afraid of it afraid of having children

afraid of truly investing in a

relationship because people don’t want

to lose themselves in the concept of

love

yeah it is overwhelming

you’re right i love what you call the

takeover spirit because

you do it’s like when we think back on

like when we first fell in love and you

know we both were busy and doing our

thing but like the only thing that

mattered for sure was was love

and um and so

love kind of

threw us out of balance it was

imbalanced because it was because it was

so new yeah and because it was so

exciting and because it was so

exhilarating

it became our whole life and you know

even our children to a certain degree we

love our kids but even they collect they

tell they tell horror stories about us

first dating and us being newlyweds and

how we would go out to dinner and forget

to feed them but that’s not true right

there was cereal in the house that was

cereal

baloney hot dog

yeah we just weren’t taking them with

them and look at them they’re still

living yeah

but but but you you’re right

love in the beginning yeah

throws you out of balance yeah uh

everything is all one-sided

all you’re concerned about is this uh

and then there’s certain things that

happened i mean we were talking about

you know sometimes you pick up a few

extra love pounds yeah for sure yeah

that happy that happy

[Music]

what i’m talking about where you just

all of a sudden y’all just you love each

other so much and you were working out

to get

to get yourself ready for the person yes

yes but but then you start you know you

start

slipping in certain areas time

management goes out the window and other

things and so isn’t it funny

we’re looking for love

but sometimes love is the very thing

that that can knock us off our square

yeah i think love feels so delicate in

the beginning stages that it does

require so much attention or at least

the perception of so much attention

because it feels like at any moment it

could fall apart like are you still

interested do you still adore me am i

still showing up in this moment as

someone who you desire to be with and i

think that that’s why it requires all of

the attention that it receives i was

thinking it’s almost like it breaks your

heart open when you fall in love in this

incredible beautiful way but just like a

broken bone it changes the way you walk

it changes the way you show up and

eventually you have to learn to live in

that space of love and it can be

challenging i think that that’s what

makes or breaks like the honeymoon stage

or the puppy love stage into something

that is actually foundational in your

identity is can we survive when we have

to swing the pendulum at least in the

middle and begin to incorporate love

into our lives because we can’t we can’t

really

live there you know i have a you know i

have great friends and people that say

you know the honeymoon

don’t won’t last forever

and you know and i fight against that

because i think that we we have

we do have honeymoon moments i mean we

got moments where it’s just like okay

we’re married and we’re gonna do our

thing and everything but but i think for

the most part

every day i wake up in a honeymoon in a

dream to a certain degree but i do think

that it is

kind of a fallacy or maybe

a

false expectation

to just believe that you can survive

that a relationship can survive

in this

all i’m concerned about is love or all

i’m concerned about is this relationship

some of the fears of you know is this

too good to be true i think you

mentioned that and so you’re trying to

hold and this is the most i want to keep

it uh and you’re thrown out of balance i

think that that the honeymoon season

kind of does shift

when now in order for the marriage to be

sustained

it has to swing the pendulum has to

swing back to balance and this is where

the rubber meets the road because

if we only work when we’re being

irresponsibly in love wow right when if

when we’re all we’re doing is thinking

about love we’re sowing here but if

we’re honest we’re not taking care of

this over here yeah you know we’re not

taking care of you know some of our

responsibilities or our priorities our

kids you know whatever it might be

does this love still work when i now

incorporate it into all of my other

priorities yeah and that’s where the

honeymoon could technically end and

whether rubber beats the road you know

it reminds me i used to people used to

say this all the time in church so much

so that i thought it was a scripture but

don’t be so heavenly minded that you

aren’t any earthly good and it makes me

think about how people who first fall in

love with jesus and they’re just like

quoting scriptures blessed and highly

favored anytime you ask them how they’re

doing at the end now you know those

people

but at the end of the day our

relationship with god still has to

transcend into our everyday life just

like love does and i think that that

idea of like how do i get this to show

up in a way that honors my relationship

with god or honors this love honors this

relationship but also gives me room to

be who i need to be in order to grow

because i do feel

if we do not find balance and love then

we’re going to find resentment where

there was once love because i can’t be

myself any longer in order to make this

work

absolutely and you said be be myself

there’s a chapter in balance

i’m going to say this about most of the

chapters it’s one of my favorite

chapters in the book uh but the chapter

is called there is no team in i

and it’s no i int

no no no no that’s the yeah that’s the

thing you better

no team and i because as you know the

the phrase the most popular phrase is

there’s no i in team it’s you know you

can’t be about i or self

in order for or in order to make the

team successful and i flipped that and i

said there’s no team and i and it’s not

to negate the fact that you have to have

a team mentality if you’re in a team in

order to win i get that but oftentimes

if if self

isn’t

tended to then you actually do a

disservice to the team or the marriage

or the partnership the relationship

because you’re not bringing your best

to the equation and it’s funny in that

chapter i kind of talk about you know me

and motorcycles me your motorcycles and

this is funny story me and sarah we’re

in dallas and we saw this couple

and they were riding motorcycles they

had two harleys and and and and did she

have an afro

no i think it wouldn’t have been that

yeah we envisioned that but you know

after the story gets long

it felt like she had this big old

beautiful afro and it just seemed like

it was just blowing in the windows it

was an action

i think she had an afro a beautiful

but i think it was in the spirit realm

in the spirit realm

but they look so cool you remember that

scene baby i do no they were dope they

were depressed you don’t see a lot of

black couples in the motorcycle

community from what i have been exposed

to so to see this couple out on a

saturday and they were just giving it to

us like they fooled the leather the

chaps the black the harley and they was

cruising it was beautiful it was and so

we said

hey

that’s us we’re going to learn how to

ride these motorcycles and we’re going

to do that right remember why can’t you

just celebrate other people now we got

to step into it no no no no no that’s us

so we got this oh we were next oh yeah

and so we talked about it for a while we

talked about it for a while and uh and i

went and kind of went and i went and

bought a motorcycle you know i’m like

come on babe let’s do this i was like

whoa

you were serious yeah

so i get the motorcycle you know i’m

trying to get her into it um and she was

a little

reluctant and you know whatever and so

you looking like you want to say

something

you’re reluctant to speak your truth but

you were reluctant um

i was reluctant i was what was most uh

the greatest part of my reluctancy had

to do with the fact that the motorcycle

classes started at six o’clock in the

morning okay okay and and i felt this

that didn’t

okay i couldn’t do that so you have to

take motorcycle classes get your

motorcycle license and you need to take

the class cause you don’t take the

classes the last thing you want to do is

be on the motorcycle and not know how to

ride a motorcycle and fall down the

motorcycle that’s not that that’s not

jesus

so

i start writing

and at first i’m like babe i’m going for

rye you know come out with me and she

would come out with me you know and then

you know it just seemed to me that she

was like less and less and less excited

about

riding this motorcycle i felt like she

was only doing it because i asked her to

do it

and

and so i would go out by myself and i

would start feeling guilty

like man we had this vision about us

doing it together and i’m having a blast

i’m i’m on pch you know what i mean i

got my gear i’m looking like a straight

dork i realize now that true bikers

don’t wear all the harley gear you don’t

do that that’s when you tell the whole

world that you’re not really a biker

because you’re trying to be a biker and

i had harley davis and everything harley

davidson over here harley davidson down

my leg i mean it was just stupid it was

just bad or whatever and i was into it

and i started riding but what was crazy

is i started feeling guilty

even though i was having a good time it

was soul cleansing

um you know when i came back i was a

better man i had more patience and

everything i felt like

because we weren’t doing it together

somehow i was cheating

and violating the relationship when

really it was the other way around uh

because who

even though she is not

into it the way that i’m into it

the reality of it is that when i go out

when i take time to myself it became

tourey time and i take time to myself

and i get on the bike i come home i’m

better i’m more patient honey have you

ever like

do you

struggle like me with feeling guilty for

needing a little bit of time to yourself

or or you know what i’m trying to say

for sure

as a parent as a wife we are taught you

know to really i think anyway put our

families first make sure we’re taking

care of them and that we’re serving them

and you know there’s conscious parenting

and i’m in therapy and i want to make

sure that i’m bringing my best to you

and our relationship and yet the truth

is that there are moments where i feel

like i’m so busy pouring out for

everyone else that i don’t have anything

that restores me which is why i loved

motorcycling for you because you don’t

really do anything for fun like i enjoy

cooking it’s nothing for me to sit

outside for hours with the book like you

didn’t have an outlet and so when you

went motorcycling and came back like i

loved who you were when you came back

from having that time

and yet i’ve had to

really encourage myself to advocate for

when i need time and to say i need help

and to say like i want to take the

weekend and go to a hotel and just sleep

for a few days and it’s hard though

because i feel like i’m letting you all

down when i do that

yeah is it that that that right there

what you just said

there is this

idea

that i think that

everybody struggles with particularly

parents if you’re in a relationship and

sometimes even your commitment to your

organization

is to say that if i

throw up my hand and say hey i need a

break for me had nothing to do with you

has nothing to do with i’m not running

away from you i’m not running away from

the kids i’m not even running away from

work but the reality of it is in order

for me to be balanced so that i can

produce

my best i need this but there is this

i’m going to call it what it is there’s

this lie

that we tell ourselves

that says that if i take care of me

i am damaging

violating or being disloyal to you and i

think that that is something that we

have to confront

because if we don’t to your earlier

point we’re going to end up bitter yeah

we’re going to miss things we’re going

to have

resentment yeah and um

it’s just an important conversation i

was just thinking about this the other

day because i was looking at all of my

responsibilities and projects and

deadlines and working out and taking

care of the kids and breakfast all this

stuff and i was thinking to myself well

maybe if you’re waking up at five

o’clock to work out instead of working

out you can catch up on your emails and

i was like that’s your problem right now

right there is that you would rather

disappoint yourself

than to disappoint someone else and

that’s how you know you have a

people-pleasing mentality because you

would rather let yourself down and let

yourself go as opposed to letting

someone else down but then who you show

up to do that work as someone who’s

disappointed because they betrayed

themselves is a disservice to the work

in their relationships that you’re

serving and so i’ve had to really tell

myself that the habit and practice of

allowing yourself to be the first one to

go the first one voted off the island

the first one who can handle the

disappointment and the heartbreak at the

expense of not showing up for what you

need is a habit that i have to break

that’s powerful in balance there’s a

chapter called the power of no

this if you didn’t get the book for

anything other than this chapter the

power of no it would be worth the entire

book but in that chapter i start talking

about false loyalty

and and what false loyalty is is when

under the

the um

the guise of being loyal to somebody

you are disloyal to yourself

i am a firm let me tell you something

i’m big on loyalty i believe in loyalty

if i even get a whiff of someone not

being loyal i’m done with them but

loyalty has limits and i think that the

limit of loyalty is when you take

loyalty to someone else so far

that you forsake or ultimately are

disloyal to yourself and here is the

truth

i love no

because what no does is no

qualifies your relationships

because some relationships

we are only they only work because you

never say no

they only work because the relationship

is based on your yes all the time and so

so sometimes you need to throw a no out

there just to qualify whether or not

that relationship is worth you

i’m learning that even in our

relationship with our kids to be honest

because sometimes i feel like the only

way that they’re able to continue to ask

me for things that feel unreasonable or

that i don’t have the energy to give is

because i never say no and i’m afraid

sometimes as a parent is that i’m going

to end up snapping on them because they

don’t know how expensive the yes i give

them is and so i’ve learned to

communicate like mckenzie wanted me to

watch something with her and i was in

the middle of cooking dinner like it’s 6

15 it is prime everyone’s about to be

hungry time and she’s trying to show me

something on youtube and instead of

snapping and being like don’t you see

that i don’t have time i’m busy right

now i’m like mackenzie i want to give

that my undivided attention and right

now i’m cooking and so i’m not going to

be able to watch it so explaining to her

and giving her context of like what all

goes into me saying yes and why i can’t

say yes in this moment because outside

of just romantic love our sense of

obligation to the people we love in

general will have us dividing ourselves

and then being frustrated that they

didn’t see how we have fallen into

pieces

so what you’re saying is

we train people

on how to violate our boundaries

it’s one thing for someone to attempt to

violate our boundary and we say no right

that powerful word called no but you’re

saying by saying yes all the time we are

actually not only empowering them but

encouraging them to step across our

boundaries yeah because it’s not really

yes it’s like sure you know what i mean

it’s an attitude like it’s a yes but

it’s not a full yes and i would rather

have a strong no than a resentful sure

or a resentful yes because at the end of

the day at least i know where your

limits are and can i say something to us

strong friends that’s got to be there

for everybody people

like i want you to understand that part

of the reason why we often feel like we

don’t have an outlet while we feel like

we have no one to talk to is because we

are constantly showing up in that yes

instead of saying i don’t have capacity

to do that right now i wish i had the

emotional energy but i’m just not able

to hear that i’m going to pray for you

maybe there’s someone you can talk to

maybe you should consider therapy i’m

not trying to even walk you through this

but we’ve got to start putting up

barriers because we can’t continue to be

everything for everyone and nothing to

ourselves babe that’s that’s so

powerful and we’re so guilty because

we we are strong we’re high capacity

individuals we’re high capacity leaders

but high capacity is not unlimited

capacity exactly you know what i mean

and

i think what you said is so powerful and

you’re right

we have to teach people

that we are we have to we have to

teach people i want to say this right we

have to

show our humanity yeah

we have to teach people

that

although

you know every time you see us we’re

giving you ain’t seeing us all the time

yeah you’re only seeing us in curated

moments of power yeah right so we’re

here we’re talking right now it feels

like we got some answers it feels like

we got it all together but but this is

45 minutes on the stage

we have to spend 23 more hours 23 hours

and 15 more minutes of this day being

who we are and so i think that

being honest being open being

transparent even like sometimes

if i don’t return a text or if i don’t

return an email or or if i can’t get to

my dms sometimes it is straight out

because i don’t have the capacity to

like you only have like a certain amount

of energy assigned to you and uh and a

good person has to budget it and spend

it wise i think that’s a brilliant point

you know what i was thinking when you

were saying about teaching people about

your boundaries is in a relationship you

often have to re-enroll someone into a

class because where my boundaries were

when we first met versus where they are

now that we have children or that i have

this new job or i’ve moved into this new

city has changed and sometimes someone

is in a relationship with a version of

you that no longer exists

and it is our responsibility not to say

you don’t get me but to say okay it’s

time for us to re-enroll in the

classroom of me and for me to re-enroll

in the classroom of you so that i can

understand how do i support you now what

are your boundaries now who are you what

makes you happy what makes you tired and

like you asked me on our first date how

can i serve you if we’re not constantly

first of all that takes a lot of energy

to be in a relationship with someone

where you’re saying i constantly want to

enroll in the classroom and of you takes

a lot of energy and i think maybe we’ll

make wiser relationship decisions if we

realize that we’re signing up to be in

school with someone for the next 100

years of our lives that’s so true but

you know what that requires and i think

there’s just where a lot of people fall

off it requires not only self-awareness

it requires self-awareness and it

requires soul awareness you know because

you have to be self-aware enough to know

that

you have changed wow so most people a

lot of people oftentimes they change but

they they’re not connected with

themselves enough to really not just

know that they have changed but dig into

their soul enough to know what that

change is and what that change means and

um and even you know again back to

balance because we talked about love and

balance you know i talk about

soul awareness you know because your

soul

knows what it needs but the problem is

there’s so much noise

there’s so much noise around us that we

can’t even listen to our soul because

like our soul is honest like it is the

most honest part of who we are and uh

and then because of all the noise that’s

around us that noise distorts the voice

of our soul

our soul will tell you what you need it

will tell you your soul will tell you

when you need to take two days and go

out to newport beach or or go to mexico

or go down to anywhere get out the house

take a walk go to the mall or whatever

your soul knows what you need but you

have to we’re not in relationship with

ourselves and oftentimes we’re not even

relationship with our souls and so we

can’t even articulate and communicate to

that person that that loves us and wants

the best for us the person that we’re in

relationship with we can’t even

articulate to them what we need or that

we’ve changed because we haven’t taken

time to process the changes that have

taken place within us i’m just thinking

about the people who are punks like me

and i think to themselves like how do i

communicate it without

sounding needy or sounding weak and

there is vulnerability connected to it

so yes you have to do this soul work and

that within itself is worth a journey of

balance and wholeness to get to a place

where you can do that but once you do it

to have the vulnerability to say to your

partner i’m in need my mental health is

in trouble

i’m on the brink of depression or

anxiety and i need this because

sometimes we’ll say we’ll need it but

we’re going to stay with attitude do you

see how much i do around this house of

course i need a break and that can make

another person very defensive but to

come from a place of vulnerability

because you’ve done the work to honor

your soul and to be able to say i know

i’m holding it together but i haven’t

gotten over the grief i know i’m holding

it together but it really did get to me

when this happened and i need a minute

to sort through myself

that takes vulnerability that a lot of

times we’re not willing to pay but can

help us navigate relationships where we

have to have their support in order to

get away because a lot of us can’t just

get up and get away without having

someone sign a permission slip saying

i’ll hold it down while you’re gone

this is really big and we’re not just

talking about something that we read in

the book

this is the reality of of our lives i

can recall a time

you remember we were living in encino i

remember where we were and everything

and and we both i think we were maybe a

year into the marriage maybe you know

the moment i’m talking about i think so

and uh and um

and it was like

we we needed to say something to each

other one to another but we’re both we

were both the time so proud

and so like no i got mine you got yours

we don’t need you know and what we

needed to tell each other in that moment

were these three words

i need you

and

but it it i could almost

remind you we’re married we’re married

adam moved from texas we blend in our

families together and it just it just

didn’t

it was it was terrible it was like

because all of the conversation was

leading us to

the desperate need to be vulnerable

enough to with each other to say these

three words that we both were

overwhelmingly feeling but felt like we

would be punks

we would be weak

i need you well you know what it is like

we want to fall in love but we don’t

want to need someone ah there it is you

know what i mean like i love you but i

don’t need you i don’t need you okay i

got my own money i take care of myself i

make good decisions if i don’t make a

decision i pick up the consequences

our

culture

doesn’t really feed us that there is

this threshold between loving someone

into building a life with them in which

you do need them like i don’t you

shouldn’t be in a marriage where you

don’t need the other person because it

isn’t marriage in other words

the marriage is a partnership yeah and

in a partnership you don’t have you

think about you even related to business

you don’t have a business partnership

where you don’t need the partner’s

contribution exactly the whole purpose

of the partnership whether it’s a joint

venture whatever it is is because

there’s strengths that both people bring

and this whole institution is based on

this

stronger thing yeah that that the two

parties come together and produce so it

is like it’s foolish and marriage is an

institution it’s a partnership so for me

to come to mayor and say i don’t need

you first of all it’s alive

maybe when i was single i didn’t need

you but now that we have this new thing

we need each other and i mean that’s why

you have to be whole when you get

married right you need to be confident

in yourself and you need to know what

you bring to the table like all of those

things are true but you want the fullest

version of you so that when you become

one with someone you have some pieces

that you can afford to i’m going to say

lose because at the end of the day there

are some spaces where your partner’s

going to come in and lift that weight so

you don’t have to do that anymore but if

you come in and you’re already at a

deficit and then this person wants more

from you of course you’re going to be

frustrated upset and ready to quit

because you didn’t have anything to give

in the first place two halves will make

a hole i want to round out that story

because

when we finally

let it squeeze through our teeth

it was fourth of july weekend i remember

it and you said it first cause i don’t

think i would have had the the

the

to say it first

and you were like and you said it in the

softest way

and your eye and you were being

vulnerable and your eyes your beautiful

brown eyes were yeah

right here your beautiful brown eyes

watered and you were like

i need you

and then i was like

i need you too

an epiphany six months into marriage

and it was

it was a breakthrough moment that might

have been the first major breakthrough

of our marriage yeah

i think

there comes this moment

after fighting and grieving and going

through brokenness and heartbreak where

you finally allow yourself to receive

another person fully

in a way that changes you

and

it felt good to have someone worthy of

needing

wow and to be in a place where i could

express it yeah

it um

we’ve had

subsequent vulnerable moments from there

oh yeah um

the past two years

were extremely challenging for me as you

know

i’m writing a book

i’m writing balance

i don’t feel like the writing is my best

the world is changing

everything that we’re doing has changed

our tours come to a complete stop

our outside speaking stops we can’t

gather in person anymore

there is uncertainty everywhere

none of us have ever had to live

with the fear of am i going to catch

this and die are my children going to

end up being orphans

um is something going to happen is the

economy going to shift in such a way

that we lose our home and all these sort

of things and and so we’re walking

around with that and

and i really feel like man i i

oh oh oh oh oh oh the other moment the

other moment um

uh i’m that i need to stay on track i

need to stay on track um but no i it was

such a it was a tough season

and

i think would you say

that i i kind of came clean

with you

about

my struggles with having it together and

and did i become more

transparent and vulnerable about

you know just how heavy things were did

i you were i know what you’re about to

say

in my life tell on me am i allowed to

share that moment

okay so we are in the room and you’re

telling me about how stressed you are

and um you know and wearing a pandemic

and all of this stuff and i was like of

course your mental health is being

challenged you’re like what what

mental health don’t play with people’s

mental health

[Laughter]

your mental health is a part of your

being and i think that that was a moment

in which you allowed yourself i mean i

broke out the feelings wheel and

everything like we no it was first of

all

don’t tell me

that that don’t even mention mental

health because i don’t know there was

this even on my own mind and i encourage

therapy i go to therapy you know but

there was something about i had never

looked at

mental health

as this

neutral thing yeah because the term

mental health literally is neutral you

know but i think because there’s such a

stigma and and sometimes even a fear

yeah you know of of always of not being

crazy let’s just call it what it is not

being a lunatic or whatever this is fear

that i could i i was so blocked that i

didn’t even realize

that mental health is a neutral phrase

the same way physical health yeah you

know mental health

oh i started binding the devil no depth

in life is in the power of the tongue

take it back take it back so what are

you talking about but it wasn’t

but it was a it was a breakthrough you

were so calm you so calm and sweet with

me well you know well i wrestled to you

know but the reality of it is

my mental health

in fact not just mine everybody’s mental

health was challenged during that time

but vulnerability the fact that

um

you could

draw out

my vulnerability i think was a powerful

thing and i think that

the greatest growth and we’ve had a

number of

power moments in our in our marriage and

we have a a really

outstanding marriage i like it i mean

it’s really you know listen it’s not

without its realities yeah but but it’s

solid and and i thank god for it but i

think that some of the for me

the major

breakthrough moments in our marriage

have

centered around you being vulnerable me

being vulnerable us being vulnerable

together oh yeah and we’re learning

deeper levels of vulnerability i think

you know to talk about balance in a

relationship i think part of the reason

why relationships can get off balance or

imbalanced is because i’m not sure how

much of myself i can put on the scale

like i know you like this version of me

but if i add this childhood trauma if i

add this anger if i add the fact that i

say a thousand mean things before i get

to how i actually feel onto the scale

can you handle that and i think little

by little we’ve added different things

onto the scale and been blown away that

we can still stay balanced and i think

that that is the dance of marriages i’m

going to put something on the scale i

don’t know how you’re going to handle it

and then that person comes through and

says i can handle that give me more and

we’ve been doing that for for years now

we we have been and and i think you get

to a certain point

where you no longer have to test

what you put on the scale yeah you you

have

put enough on the scale look if if that

joker was gonna be gone like if you

could handle that

if you don’t know me by now you know uh

and and it’s it’s a beautiful thing we

better take a couple of questions

so let’s see um how important

is friendship and humor in a spouse i

think that’s a personal choice right but

you’re crazy like i mean you’re and i

mean that in the most loving way like

you have a real problem if i put my wig

down in front of you it could end up on

your head and you could just be walking

around and i think that that’s

problematic

no it’s true i think that life you know

again to each his own because some

people are very stoic and not moved

humor they said friendship and humor i

think friendship oh my gosh that’s not

negotiable you know because i think in a

relationship and spouse you know i talk

about this all the time i feel like a

good marriage a good relationship a good

partnership is like a house yeah you

know and a house has many rooms you’ve

got the erotic room you know you’ve got

the

the the business partnership room you’ve

got the parenting room and you better

have the friendship room because i think

that the friendship room

is like the living room it should be the

biggest most utilized room in the house

because you’re not always going to feel

you know sexy you know i mean most of

the time i think it’s the kitchen can do

which kim called the fruit the

friendship room the kitchen okay because

i really do think that that feeds our

ability to show up in all of the

different spaces

i like that no i like that the kitchen

the kitchen well like we got the kitchen

and it kind of extends over into it yeah

so that that one right

i love that so it’s very important uh

and again the humor is i think humor is

good the scripture says that laughter is

good like medicine uh and i and

life for me personally life is too

crazy to not laugh we’d be laughing

laughing about stuff that’s like you

should really be crying but if you like

it

listen that’s at least we still here

um okay so what percentage of our

relationship do you think is friendship

oh

what percent oh god easy

okay so we’ll let’s talk about the let’s

the pie is friendship

um partnership

friendship

friendship

parenting parenting romance

oh those three yeah friendship

oh friendship and parenting is in there

i’d say

romance is is

we got parenting in there

i’d say friendship is

at least 60 percent i was going to say

70. you’re going to say that’s i almost

said 70 at first

yeah you know

but um yeah so 70 and then uh and then

we just divide the other two by 15. sure

cool you know what i mean because

they’re our roommates you know what i

mean we’re trying to get them kids at

the house oh we love them we love them

a lot

but you know also

we got enough time to take let’s take

one more

uh

some of these we already answered how do

you love yourself in a healthy way in

order to show up for your spouse family

better we said that uh how do you keep

the spark alive why did you pick that

question

i mean i mean it’s kind of a lot to ask

but that’s it

um well let’s talk principle let’s talk

principle so

i keep the spark alive

by not assuming

that what moved my wife

yesterday

moves her today

um i tried to

study her um study her interests because

she’s evolving i’m evolving our marriage

is evolving and so i’m watching

what’s moving her

and i try to kind of come and and and

swim in that ocean with her you know

what i mean so i think because the spark

you talk about these smart

something is sparking your partner

already

right you just want to make sure that

you are educated enough

in your partner in what’s making her

spark to add your unique flavor to that

so that she can have that double spark

that makes sense no because because

something

and maybe it’s not for everyone but but

something is making you smile something

is

making you curious something is peaking

your curiosity rather something is

intriguing you

right so you’re you’re sparked about

something listening to the dream the

passion what are you excited about and

then like for you and maybe it’s it’s

different for everyone you know knowing

their love language with moves and

whatever but i know for me if i

encourage you inspire you or jump in the

river of what you are currently excited

about

it’s coming right back to me

it’s coming right back to me okay that

makes sense yes it does all right okay

so i think part of keeping the spark

alive

is

one creating a space where you can

connect with one another without

distractions

because i think that who we are when

we’re at the house with our roommates

versus who we are on vacation are two

completely different people so creating

an environment where you can look

exclusively at your spouse set or

partner

secondly like don’t forget to gas your

partner up like they you find like i see

you look at them traps coming up on you

you know what i mean like look at that

collarbone like you need to guess your

partner yes i see you you need to gas

your partner up and secondly like just

don’t forget to like you know get sexy

you know what i mean like make it sexy

like don’t feel

like you know everything has to be so

boring like every now and then turn up

and let your partner know like it’s not

just for the gram it can happen for you

right now do you know what i’m saying

like i’m not just getting dressed up to

go out i’m getting dressed up to go in

do you see that

oh

glory to god well that’s about all we

have time for today

no it’s true yeah and not to take not to

take each other for granted right not to

live off of the high

of the sparkiness of your first year or

your first two or three years or

whatever but to say

that person’s still in there yeah that

person that dug that that’s really

that’s really good i read this book one

time maybe this will help the ladies um

but i read this book about a woman who

was having a difficult time showing up

and feeling sexy within her marriage and

it’s because she had so many different

responsibilities that in order to even

channel herself to where she could be

sparked she had to connect with her

womanhood first which i think goes back

to the no

i in team

because at the end of the day if you

were not connected with yourself and you

don’t know what moves you you don’t know

what inspires you you don’t know what

draws your intention then you can’t even

tell your partner how to spark you up at

the end of the day sure you want your

partner to give you a spark but you got

to tell them where the ignition is to

understand what i’m saying when i said

that amen look and we that’s one thing

about us one thing i love about us is we

we talk about we don’t leave a lot of

room for guessing yeah right we we we

are in conversation with each other so

much about everything

that we know

how to spark one another yeah like it’s

not a mystery so uh i think

communication and uh knowing each other

and doing all these things

is how we keep the spark alive well

family this has been

amazing uh this has been i’ve enjoyed

this conversation

we have to we have to do it more um

i cannot

encourage you enough if you haven’t

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that and uh happy valentine’s day oh and

one more thing

l.a baby

let’s

go

rams let’s

go

but um we love you um we thank you so

much for your partnership with one with

this movement uh you’ve been in an

incredible uh online community you’ve

been incredible in person community

we’re praying right now we’re

strategizing about uh

in person so that’s that’s coming soon

that’s in the works we want to do it

right and in the safest way possible

you’ll hear more about that but we love

you we thank god for you thank you for

your partnership