In the beginning, the first thing God declared bad was loneliness, and it still plagues humanity today. In this two-part message, Dr. Stanley first explains how we find ourselves in the desolate landscape of loneliness, challenging us to confront ourselves and the behaviors contributing to our isolation. Then, in the second part, he lays out a clear-cut path to overcoming this involuntary solitary confinement
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loneliness is a big issue it’s an
awesome issue it’s for many people is an
inescapable issue but you can’t escape
it you can be cured of it you can get
through it you can conquer loneliness in
your life if you’re willing to be honest
with yourself and honest with God
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four decades ago we started in touch
ministries to lead people worldwide into
a growing relationship with Jesus Christ
throughout the years we’ve seen God’s
greatness his love and his blessings in
such awesome ways that we just want
everyone to know him so let’s open God’s
Word and seek Him together next on
InTouch dr. Stanley begins a special
two-part message about loneliness and
how to overcome it today’s message
living in the shadows of loneliness the
title of this message is loneliness
living in the shadows of loneliness you
recall the very beginning of the
scripture the Bible says that God said
it was not good for man to be alone and
if you turn to that second chapter of
Genesis and you’ll notice after God had
created everything there was something
missing created man and he said the Lord
God said that is not good for man to be
alone I’ll make him a helper suitable
for him loneliness is not God’s plan for
us and yet many people are living in the
shadow of loneliness they can’t tell you
why they just know something’s not right
and they know that things around them
are not what they ought to be something
is missing in that life you can have
everything in the world money can buy
but if you and lonely there’s something
missing and that’s what this message is
all about that is where people are today
in their relationship to each other in
their relationship to family
relationship to friends people on the
job
everywhere you turn there are people who
are very lonely don’t know what the
problem is but loneliness is the issue
it’s like a shadow that covers them and
so I want to think about that in this
particular message and I want to say
first of all distinguish between
loneliness and solitude loneliness is
one thing solitude is something else and
you’ll remember
Jesus after he had been healing people
and feeding the 5,000 went up in the
mountains and he sent his disciples away
he said and I’ll meet you on the other
side that’s when they got in the storm
so the Bible says he was there alone in
solitude now he wasn’t lonely but jesus
knew how to worship the father to be
alone with him and the sense the
presence of Almighty God on the other
hand you and I would define loneliness
like this loneliness is a separation
anxiety
if something happens a separation
anxiety brought on by the feeling of
being disconnected out of touch it’s a
loss of intimacy or feeling of belonging
something has happened when the person
is no longer connected solitude is
something entirely different it’s a time
that you pull away from everything to be
alone talk to the father listen to God
and to be rejuvenated in your own mind
in art so what I want to talk about is
living in the shadows of loneliness
because that’s what loneliness is all
about and a confession of someone in
this shadow may go something like this
it may be I want somebody to listen to
me or I feel like I’m in a dense fog
somehow or I feel isolated shut out by
myself I feel unimportant I feel empty
I feel purposeless I feel incomplete I
feel inadequate there’s a feeling
there’s something that goes on inside of
you that does what well those things are
true you’re not close to you’re
separated from and millions and millions
of people are live in that shadow of
loneliness something is not right
separation doesn’t even begin to
describe how they really feel and so
when you think about it you can’t
adequately define it probably but it’s
the inability to find on a human level a
relationship that is satisfying that’s
lifting that’s motivating that brings
happiness and peace and joy in your
heart it’s not there so if I should ask
you today you a happy person would you
say that you’re contented that you have
joy you have great friends that you’d
like life the way it is you can make
some improvements but you feel like you
belong and that sense of belonging is a
great sense of satisfaction to you most
people don’t have that and I’ll show you
why as we go through this message and so
it leaves us with a feeling of being
abandoned disconnected something’s not
right
and yet God destined us when he created
us to walk together not alone that’s why
he said it’s not good for man to be
alone or woman to be alone
and so loneliness is a big issue it’s an
awesome issue it’s for many people is an
inescapable issue but you can’t escape
it you can’t be cured of it you can get
through it you can conquer loneliness in
your life if you’re willing to be honest
with yourself and honest with God and so
what happens when people feel these ways
they just build a wall and you know
people like that they build a wall you
can’t get to them and what they don’t
realize is this wall they built it shut
you out also shut them in they don’t
want to talk to you that I want to share
with that life with you they’re very
critical they’re self-sufficient self
adequate they think but deep down inside
of what’s happened is because they don’t
get along because they felt disconnected
they felt out they just decided I’m
not gonna feel by the way so I’ll just
live my life for them you build a wall
you’re in the wall that is not the
solution to loneliness yet many people
think it is so let’s think for just a
moment what does loneliness affect in a
person’s life think about this for a
mall
now if you’re lonely it has to do with
an emotion a very important emotion
about yourself worth about who you are
who you think you are who you really are
and so how does loneliness affect people
well the first way it affects you is
your health
people who lonely are prone to become
unhealthy early in life they don’t know
why they don’t relate that how much to
eat how much they drink how much they
sleep where they go what they do have
they spend their time and oftentimes
become very unhealthy a second thing is
this it has to do with their finances
when the person is lonely what are they
do they want to stroll the malls and
they look at this and look at that and
if I had this this made me happy if I
had that that’s exactly what I need
I’ve been saving my money for this one
over here and nobody else is gonna buy
this I’m getting it for myself
I am going to look like I’m somebody and
so what do they do they spend their
money credit cards don’t satisfy the
little – strolling through the mall
doesn’t satisfy long – all the people
around you does not satisfy Lois that’s
something deeper than that and yet
that’s the way people want to cover it
up and then of course there’s
relationships people that get into all
kind of relationships and the truth is
watch this they feel disconnected and so
if they can get in a relationship that
makes them feel like they count to
somebody they are valuable to somebody
somebody wants them somebody may like
them some of them may love them and so
what do they do they get into
relationships that sometimes do not work
and then of course it affects a person’s
morals how many people have gone to bed
with somebody else and began to live an
ungodly adulterous life a sensual life
trying to fill up something they listen
to me no buddy
else can take the place of God in your
life it doesn’t make any difference how
handsome he may be how beautiful she may
be how
which they maybe nobody no one the God
didn’t build us to be satisfied with sex
he gave sex as a pleasure and for
creation of course but not to satisfy a
person simply this without Christ and so
we have a whole world of people who are
living a life of immorality trying to
find something somebody that somehow
would satisfy this emptiness longing
yearning in their heart they hope you’re
not alone live but I want to give you
some characteristics of what happens
when the person becomes lonely shut down
what you think you need to look at it
and think about because in the group
this size there’s a lot of lonely folks
in there listen many long let people go
to church and the tragedy is they go to
church and nobody nobody recognizes that
they’re looking for something they’re
looking for friends don’t you think that
in the church you would find friends
you’d find somebody who cares but not
necessarily and so I want us to think
about loneliness and think about if it
happens to be a part of your life and
I’m gonna give you a long list and you
can think about it so how do we end up
in this shadow of loneliness what
happens first of all by separating
ourselves from other people and choose
them to be alone
I just don’t bother that just want to be
by myself when I go home from work I
want to be all myself
I sit and watch TV I want to be by
myself secondly feeling deserted by the
people naturally when there’s a breakup
of marriage somebody feels deserted by
the other one deeply hurt and there’s
separation a disconnect emotionally
physically and every way and likewise
when the person is forcefully removed
from a safe and secure environment
whether it’s the home or whatever it
might be they feel lonely because listen
God said it’s not good for man no woman
to be alone he made us not to walk alone
but to walk with each other to be
together to feel the awesome sense of
being wanted loved and as we say for
example when you saw is when your
children come along you hug them why do
you hug them you want them to feel
something that you feel for them you
want them to feel safe secure loved you
talk to them about how sweet their and
how loving only known you go all you
doing is building security and them
strength and the feeling wanted a
Charlie Rose have been the home unwanted
indifferent and all the rest they spend
the rest of their life unless somebody
gets to them trying to overcome that
infamous and let me just say this
fathers you have an awesome
responsibility to your family to be the
dad that and that’s a part of that
connect that makes that child always
feel he or she’s connected with my daddy
my daddy this and my daddy that you can
meet any woman any woman who is loved by
her father and she feels it you talked
to her she smiles well you have you met
my dad you met my daddy my dad did this
my dad did that because God made us this
way and the sense of security is often
found there like in no other place then
of course that people who suffer from
burnout they work and work and work
until they the health is hurting they
didn’t have time to build friendships
and so they feel very lonely they’ve
done everything you can do to succeed in
life but somehow they left it the most
important thing and that’s really our
relationships and then of course as the
loss of a loved one you’ve lived with
somebody when it’s 20 years of 30 years
of 40 or 50 and then the other person is
gone and naturally the loss of a loved
one is going to cause that feeling of
loss but you know what I meet people
who’ve lost their loved ones saw that as
a rock
they have memories that they’ll never
forget
every relationship that not even death
can separate them because what when they
were together they genuinely loved each
other they planted something in their
hearts that’ll keep on growing past this
life you don’t have to give up and quit
because somebody you love dies but you
build a relationship while they’re here
then of course they’re people who feel
very in theory and unworthy and insecure
that’s that’s feelings I have probably
because they got that from their parents
who was skilled with them and scold them
and said well you know never meant
anything why don’t you do this and so
and what they did they tore down some of
that person’s self-image and what did
they do it it’s the billing relationship
listen if your son or daughter doesn’t
have it like you want it build them up
don’t tear them down
don’t criticize don’t tell them what
they’re that they’ll probably end up in
prison you tell somebody that more than
likely a kid that may be exactly what
happens because you’ve planted the idea
in that kid’s heart they weren’t worth
anything so therefore they let’s end up
in prison our words they’re awful
awesome results and sometimes terrifying
results and of course there’s the
feeling of being ostracized by being
different because you don’t conform you
don’t think the way certain people think
you don’t do what they do and so they
just ostracize you they don’t they don’t
have any particular care for you and so
they just ignore you and a lot of people
who feel ignored ignored by their
parents ignored by their family ignored
by the people they work with which is a
very demeaning thing everybody has some
sense of self-worth God made us that way
when he died the scripture says he died
for all of us that means every person
has worth but when a person doesn’t feel
like they do they grow through life
damaged they never reached the optimism
that God wants something to have they
never reached this stage in life that
God wants them to reach emotionally and
originally the awesome thing about
becoming a child of God is that the Lord
comes in your life in the ceilings you
as a child of God you know forever a
child of God listen you have a security
that is eternal security because God
loves you enough to save you forgive you
of your sins no matter what you’ve been
through and there there are people of
course who will judge you because of
what you’ve been through in life or
where you were all those have been
somewhere and by the grace of God we’re
where we are God wants us to sense his
love for us that we no matter no matter
what’s happened in your life God loves
you anyway and you don’t have to give up
and quit and say well I’ll never be
anybody I’ll never amount to anything if
you say that you program your mind that
programs your whole system and your
actions begin to follow what your mind
tells it then of course they have
conflict with people and
misunderstandings and instead of trying
to settle that that’s walk away and so
all of us will have misunderstandings
about some things but God God has given
you the spirit to be able to deal with
issues in life without giving up
surrendering and turning away walking
away as we said building this fence
around your life because God loves every
single one of us and he wants us to walk
together in oneness and in harmony and
yet some people never will and then of
course you choose to take a stand about
your conviction you get rejected listen
Jesus got rejected the Apostles got
rejected down through the ages people
who have biblical convictions of the
truth they’re going to get rejected and
then of course there are those people
who retire and they act like nobody
cares anymore you don’t work to return
you work the satisfy the will of God in
your life become the person God wants
you to be he may let you live to be 50
60 70 80 oh ha
but the issue is does your life count
are you giving yourself away and there’s
some people that you probably think well
I could never relate to so and so and
everyone someone I meet somebody that my
first thought maybe that and then I just
get so surprised because I can’t wait to
see them again because they didn’t let
age cuddler language anything else
define them they’re who they are that
who God has made them to be and they
have given themselves away in friendship
fellowship and they’re willing and ready
to talk about it in fact one place I
usually go once in awhile to eat I was
there not too long ago and over on this
side next to the window or a file of
elderly men they all I don’t know what –
how old they were all looked a whole lot
older than I am anyway they looked it
away but but they were having the best
time and I I thought I would just love
to get over there and listen to what’s
going on they were laughing and talking
to each other and carrying on and one of
them recognized me and he came up and
sat down and then it was on he had he
had to tell me about himself and had to
tell me how long he lived there what he
had done it was no thought fish – I
hunted I play God he has me all these
questions then when he found that
everything he was I went back to them
and start telling them and so here were
five men who’d retired and they had some
a job but they were happy
you know while they were happy they had
at least four other people with whom
they had a great relationship that’s
what friendships about that’s what being
yourself and opening the door of your
life to somebody and then of course we
cease to be who we ought to be because
we get betrayed by somebody
husbands and wives betray each other and
what happens to the relationship he gets
marred he gets broken and it becomes a
very very dismaying thing then there
people with whom we relate to that we a
lien eight
we are cocky we are prideful we don’t
care about them and so we a lien ate
them in the process for alienate
ourselves if you feel left behind what
happens if you left behind you feel like
somebody doesn’t care and especially if
somebody you care for doesn’t seem to
care for you that’s painful
they ignore you they don’t include you
whatever the reason making this what the
reason is if you feel shut out
uncared-for not included it’s painful
what happens emotionally there’s a
disconnect and you’re gonna feel lonely
you may promise that you will do this
and so that’s not the issue all of us
have this little bit inside of us that
needs to be fulfilled by love
understanding forgiveness and all the
rest and so they’re people who feel like
they’re shut out because of age and many
people I think probably you can walk in
some hospital rooms and some areas for
many many people there with a lot of age
on them some people feel loved and
accepted and cared for and the elders
don’t now think about this who of us is
too important
too busy to care for somebody listen to
me carefully all of us one of these days
can find ourselves in that same position
but you want if you learn to live and
forgive and forget and reach out and
smile and love and you care for and
understand and forgive it’s a matter of
attitude when I’m genuinely connected to
our Lord I can connect to other people
if I’m not I’m gonna be so
self-conscious about
I need what I want why don’t you do this
for me why don’t you do that for me
I’ll never have any joy in life and many
people who have everything but joy
happiness and a sense of fulfillment got
everything else but they going about in
the wrong way if you get so independent
you don’t need anybody you’ve made a
miserable mess of your life all of us
need to feel needed wanted loved Amen
and then I mentioned in one last thing
listen carefully by the destructive
habits of drugs alcohol illicit sex
gambling and many others people live in
the inescapable shadows of life trying
to find a sense of contentment and peace
and joy if you are miserably unhappy
instead of looking around somewhere else
ask yourself the question how did I get
this way why do I feel what I’m is this
because of the way somebody treated me
is it because I’ve allowed somebody to
treat me or I’ve allowed to be mistaken
I’ll feel the way I feel
I’m never excused by God for being
bitter never excused by God that being
hateful being insensitive and caring
because we are followers of Jesus Christ
our heavenly father has built within
every single believer that capacity to
love forgive to be loved to be
understanding to be caring for all who
are willing to accept it so ask yourself
this question are you lonely are you
covering it up the best you can
why don’t you just stop and say Lord
made a mess of my life
shut myself out built myself and so in
this wall
I made you set me free Lord if you
willin to confess your sins confess your
errors confess your failures and confess
that you’ve just made a mess of your
life and you want God to forgive you and
to cleanse you bother you on a new
beginning you want a new start
you oughta join the peace and the
happiness and the contentment that God
promised if you willing to ask him to
forgive you wash your hands of all of
that tear down the wall and say Lord
Here I am I’m asking you to forgive me
I’m asking you to begin to work in my
life help me to begin to reach out to
other people to be loving to be
understanding and see what happens God
will change your life in the most
awesome fashion if you’ll name father
how grateful we are that you love us you
care for us you concerned about us thank
you died for us and you came in the Holy
Spirit to live within us a life of joy
peace heaviness troubles trials
heartaches yes but you said you’d never
leave us nor forsake us would you feel
empty hearts today with yourself and let
those who are involved in every kind of
activity that they’ve tried to fill up
this empty place lay it all down
and trust you to be their Savior that
Lord in their life and we praise you in
Jesus name Amen
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