Marriage | “What You Were Never Told” – Touré Roberts

Date: 02.23.20 Free Chapel’s One Marriage Conference

father thank you so much for this moment

that you blessed all of us to be in I

thank you God for your word it’s a lamp

into our feet into light into our path

and I thank you God for the spirit of

wisdom and revelation and insight and

knowledge and full access to heavens

resources to be a blessing to your

people and I decree upfront that we’re

gonna be much better going out than we

were

upon coming in in Jesus name Amen amen

anybody better already since you’ve been

at this conference you just you’re

getting tools and perspectives and

insights and breakthroughs and and you

know in this last session I gotta tell

you I just really sense that God was was

saving marriages literally saving come

on somebody I mean he I just felt that

you could just tell when there is a

radical shift the directional shift the

trajectory of of a marriage and a

relationship was changing as a result of

what took place so many wonderful things

I think God for for this conference for

it for any marriage conference because

marriages is so critical it’s everything

and you get on the wrong side of a

marriage and it can be the most

depressing thing that you’ve ever

experienced and so anytime you you see

leaders that want to pour into two

couples and in two marriages best

believe that there is a blessing in the

building anybody believe that there’s a

blessing this is holy ground and I want

to add to that a little bit and and you

know when I think about marriage and

there for me it’s absolutely incredible

I mean my wife is my best friend and I’m

so much better because of her I mean I

mean you think about the gift of

marriage companionship forever love

forever all of the things that that

marriage brings all the gifts of

marriage but but there is a gift an

overlooked and often overlooked gift of

marriage that I want to talk about today

and quite possibly

it is the greatest gift of marriage and

that gift is who you get to become in

the process of being marriage married

what if what if the greatest gift in

marriage was not love what if it wasn’t

the fact that you have a life partner

but what if the greatest gift of

marriage is what marriage causes to be

produced on the inside of you

what what if marriage was about becoming

who you and I have the privilege to

become because of this unique thing

called marriage what if it was something

that we were becoming that we couldn’t

become in any other context other than

marriage and that’s what I want to

submit to you today if you’re taking

notes write this down marriage is an

institution of transformation marriage

is an institution of transformation one

things that I’ve learned about God is

that God not only wants you to be saved

they want you to be whole that that’s

what he came for he came to save you but

he also came to to make you whole

there’s a passage in Scripture it says

for this purpose the Son of God was

manifest that he might destroy the works

plural of the devil and that’s kind of

heavy because what does it mean to

destroy the work plural of the devil I

can see if he said to destroy the work

of the devil the sin that makes sense

but the works what it means my word says

works have to do with the residual

impact of sin so we get saved and our

soul is good we cept Jesus Christ

we’re going to heaven we’re good to go

but there’s still damage the way we see

things the way we engage how we trust

people or oftentimes how we cannot trust

and so God not only wants us to be saved

but he wants us to be everything that he

created us to be and one of the things

that God uses

to develop us to grow us is this

wonderful thing called marriage are you

tracking with me if you look at God’s

strategy marriage is one of God’s

strategy to produce the best us the best

version of ourselves think about it God

creates man in His image and then he

immediately he creates the one

relationship that challenges us to grow

unlike any other relationship there’s no

relationship on the planet that demands

growth quite like marriage if you take a

notes write this down you can’t have a

strong marriage without a strong you you

can’t have a strong marriage without a

strong you you can’t have a whole

marriage without a whole you a healthy

marriage requires a healthy you it all

boils down to what I like to call the

you factor the you factor is a critical

factor in marriage and here’s the good

news

a god-ordained marriage is designed to

produce strong you so how does this

development take place let’s talk about

it if you look at proverbs 17:17 there

is a truth hidden right there in that

text that I believe shows us how God

uses marriage the marriage relationship

to produce a version of ourselves that

we would not be able to get to otherwise

let’s get to it it says a friend loves

at all times and a brother is born for

adversity so you’re looking at that

right now and you’re saying

touré I don’t see anything at all about

marriage and this text well let me break

down some of these words for you so it

will help you out when it says that word

that was translated friend when it says

a friend loves at all times

it’s not talking about a close friend

it’s talking about an associate someone

that you are loosely acquainted with

right but somebody on your job for

example right it’s easy to love somebody

that you are loosely associated with you

don’t have to go home with them you

don’t have to balance a budget with them

come on somebody you you don’t have to

deal with what some of the things that

you have to deal with there’s some

people right now but to be honest with

you that the only reason why you’re

connected to them is because you work at

the same place if you take away that

opportunity to me your calendar you just

sync each day because you work together

if you took that away you guys wouldn’t

even be friends so this this this

pastors look so it says a friend which

is an associate loves at all times but a

brother it says and a brother is born

for adversity that word brother

it can mean brother but it really means

a close relative it is a widely used

phrase so it means somebody that you’re

actually in close proximity with so this

text is really about dealing with

proximity and what takes place with

varying degrees of proximity stay with

it it’s gonna get real sweet for you in

one level of proximity that is the

associate level of proximity

relationship is easy it’s easy to be

your friend when you know I see you at

the grocery store and you’re my favorite

teller or whatever it’s easy we meet at

the gym and all of a sudden man he’s so

great she’s so great but you don’t even

know them you haven’t spent time with

him you haven’t seen any other aspect of

dynamic of their lives and so so it’s

easy to love them and that word love

doesn’t ring like deep love it’s not

that that type of love it means life so

so so it’s easy to like someone that you

are that you are loosely associated with

it says but a brother or this close

relative it says

is born for adversity is born in other

words the purpose of this close relative

it is purpose watch this to be

confrontational at times I got and

practice the purpose and this can relate

since that word literally means close

relative certainly a spouse is a close

relative which means that watch this

confrontation in marriage is ordained oh

i’ma get to know you you don’t catch it

just a second somebody’s saying that’s

what it is

it’s ordained and we’re gonna unpack

that we’re gonna pack it because here is

the thing nothing worthwhile is shaped

by ease nothing worthwhile is shaped by

ease a marriage is the one relationship

where two people have to come together

and there is something in that coming

together that exposes things about you

that you would never see single that you

would never see by yourself one of the

greatest blessings of marriage is what

it reveals to you about you and how it

forces you to stretch and to grow and to

become are we tracking together and so

it’s in this this close proximity not

the associate proximity you don’t you

don’t grow there but it’s in this close

proximity of marriage we’re shaping

begins to take place a person it says a

friend loves at all times and a brother

is is born for adversity didn’t that’s

kind of heavy to me he’s born and that

were born interestingly enough has the

idea of to act as a midwife so if you

keep staring at this pass as it

basically says that a person that you

are loosely related to loosely involved

and you just you just associated with

you

at all times but but there’s someone who

is born to be confrontational in your

life that just so happens to be a close

relative and that were born literally

means midwife and when I was staring at

that oh my god what does this mean that

means that there’s something in your

spouse that will Midwife a better person

a better version of who you are I feel

the Spirit of God my wife is an

incredible gift she’s an incredible gift

to me and she has added so much to my

life

but what Trump’s what she has added to

my life is what she has brought out of

my life who I have had to be willing to

become and it’s of me that I would not

sign up for I wouldn’t sign up to be

this forgiving I wouldn’t sign up to be

this watch this self-reflective I

wouldn’t sign up a man’s ways come on

you know the word a man’s ways are clean

in his own eyes so I have no no

motivation to change why change if

things are clean in my own eyes but but

see what happens is when God blesses you

with a spouse you have in-house

accountability in-house accountability

because at the end of the day it’s not

what the Masters say about me it comes

down to what she says about me because

she knows the real me because we’re not

associates we’re close relatives can I

take my time and and unpack this thing

so it says a friend loves and associate

loves at all times that’s easy but a

close relative of a spouse let me just

just put that in there for the context

of this a spouse is born for adversity

that word adversity is a Hebrew word it

literally means

like this it’s tight anybody ever been

in a tight spot in your marriage you

just stay where your wife is right there

your husband’s right they just stay

right there

some of you like I’m in a tight spot

right now pacifier I’m gonna tighten is

tight over here it’s tight a word a word

adversity means tightness and it the

root word of that word that was

translated tightness is the works are

that means and this is kind of on a

threw me off a little bit but it means

pebble or stone so adversity is

tightness you get down to the root of

that word it means pebble or spalling it

kind of puzzled me at first and then I

thought about the process of how a stone

becomes smooth and if you think about it

the stone doesn’t become smooth all by

itself the stone becomes smooth because

of the friction that it has with other

stones in an environment river water and

some environment and so you know David

had had these smooth stones and they and

they weren’t smooth stones I don’t think

that he just that he’d found them smooth

maybe he did but maybe it was a metaphor

to a certain area we know it was literal

maybe it was had to do with a metaphor

about how he had so much friction in his

life that the five stones that he

possessed reflected what was cultivated

through tension phyllis speer right

there their tension it is in the tension

in your marriage if you can navigate the

god-ordained tension in your marriage

you will be a you well beyond anything

you could ever dream out are you

tracking with me it’s the friction and

the tension in marriage you’ve heard a

preacher the preachers at a marriage

comes preaches about tension in your

marriage you ought to have some tension

in your marriage that that seems so

awkward who says that of the marriage

conference

who encourages not that you go after

tension I’ve just talked about when you

find yourself to hold glorifies tension

in the marriage of the marriage

conference Tory Thomas Roberts because

there’s something that happens in the

tension if you know how to navigate it

well that will create not only an

incredible you but an incredible

marriage can we go further so I want to

give you some tools and really their

thoughts about how to navigate the

tension there’s anybody retention their

marriage before

what raise your hand if you are married

there we go now honesty has swept the

room if you are married and have never

had tension in your marriage just keep

being married

is coming it is all the way i prophesy

right now in Jesus name you’re gonna

have healthy God are they intention

that’s gonna bring out the best of both

of you and your spouse are we track it

together so let’s I got three twos three

thoughts three ideas three ways that I

want you to to consider tension because

it’s coming it’s coming and it’s here

and it’s coming told number one and this

is extremely important as it relates to

marriage and when you find yourself in

tension the tight spot don’t give up

before you grow up do not give up before

you grow up if you give up on marriage

before you grow up you miss the best

part

the best part of marriage is growing up

because here is the thing marriage

requires change I just want to keep my

independence I know I’m getting married

but I still want to be me I’m telling

you right now you cannot be the you that

you were when you get married I’m be

straight up with you

well I listen you know and we hyphenate

the names and that’s wonderful that’s

fine all that kind of stuff and you can

do whatever as long as you don’t

hyphenate your identity your when you

become married there is a requirement of

change you have to change you have to

change just to be able to facilitate the

relationship there is no other marriage

there’s no other relationship like

marriage marriage is so unique that the

scripture says for this cause a man

leaves watch this he leaves from

cleaving to his parents to now cleaving

to his wife for this cost for this for

this purpose for this cost in other

words the only green lights you have the

only thing that gives you permission to

leave one shaping and to move into

another shaping is marriage there’s

nothing there’s nothing like it why why

the

because why leave the parents why do I

have to for this cause to leave my to

leave and cleave because with what you

are leaving

you were once cleaving to and anything

you cleave to shapes you I’m teaching

the day I am a dawn teaching anything

that you’re connected to anything that

you cleave to shapes you defines you

develops you that that’s why when God

was getting ready to move upon Abraham

he told him first and foremost before

men you do this thing you’re gonna have

to leave your father’s house to a land

that I will show you he was stepping

into a new dimension of shaping for his

purpose and his destiny the only reason

why he had to leave was for the benefit

of shaping so when God tells Adam and he

says for this cause leave is because I

know that you were shaped by your

parents and that’s wonderful but there’s

another dimension of you that I cannot

get out of you until you clearly you are

if you get married and don’t change

something’s wrong and have to how could

you cleave how could you become one

without change and and and and the

reason why is so important not to give

up before you grow up is because you’ve

never been the you that you’re becoming

so you don’t even know what that looks

like yet so so what you’re saying you

can’t do you can’t really say you can’t

do it because you haven’t been the youth

that’s anointed to do it yet I can’t

stay in this thing I can’t put up with

this I can’t put up with that you don’t

know what you can do because

but if you stay in it God will develop

you and give you the ability to do

things and to endure things that you

could not do and the reward for staying

in here God said don’t be weary in doing

good for in due season

you’re gonna reap so the first rule the

first thought is you and I cannot give

up until we grow up I feel that some of

you right now and your marriage your

face and tall obstacles you’re facing

tall mountains and they seem bigger than

you but they won’t be for long

God’s gonna do something in the inside

of you I can’t wait to get to the next

point God’s gonna do something in the

inside of you that enlarges your insides

he’s going to enlarge your capacity and

now and soon and soon that thing that

you’re staring at that seems like it is

insurmountable you’re gonna be bigger

than and you’re gonna be glad you stuck

with it are we tracking together does

that make sense

all right don’t give up before you grow

up

number two make marriage a mirror not a

window mirror not a window what am I

talking about I’m talking about the

discipline of allowing the tension in

your marriage to produce reflection not

projection see a window you look through

at something else a mirror you look at

yourself one things I love about Jesus I

you know I gotta tell you about Jesus I

you know what Jesus

but jesus never affirms my complaints

about others I’ve never gone to Jesus

and said Jesus you know and I tell you

my wife or man that person to church or

whatever I’ve never done that and Jesus

says o2a that’s terrible shame on them

that has never happened when I go to

Jesus complaining he says something like

hey Tareq

why don’t you take the beam out of your

own eye so then you can see clearly

don’t you love that about Jesus don’t

you love the Jesus not a gossiper that

he won’t like to stroke you in the

lowest version of you like oh yeah

you’re right yeah you have a right to be

hurt Oh aren’t you glad I mean he’s a

good good father he’s a loving father

but every time I have a complaint about

somebody Jesus does not affirm me he

says yet to ray but but what can you do

that’s my child I’ve got them covered

but what can you do

so make marriage make marriage a mirror

not a window I don’t want to be so

distracted by looking at my spouse is

false that I miss my growth opportunity

because one of the things that I’ve

learned and this is important you can

write this down my maturity is connected

to her imperfection

my maturation needs her imperfection

because if she was perfect I couldn’t

grow and if I was perfect she couldn’t

grow are you tracking with me today so I

actually I need I actually need her

imperfection because her imperfection

pulls out a Jesus sized version of me a

[Applause]

challenging this is homework the moment

that your spouse does something a some

sort of way it ends up irritating you

look in the mirror because here’s the

truth i’ma let you she won’t say it’ll

he won’t say well this he wants there’s

stuff that you do that irritates them to

God God God how who do I need to be to

navigate their imperfection not God I

feel the spirit when I speak in tongues

and if I just

not God some tongue talkers in here

spirit-filled but you know not try this

not God

fix her God give me the capacity no not

give me God

release the capacity that you have

placed in me to deal with what I’m

complaining about I feel the Holy Spirit

God does not honor and reward

complainers God if you kv the spouse if

you came in this person there is an

anointing on the inside of me to handle

anything that comes with her if you

believe it takes about 3 seconds and

praise god for giving you capacity that

you don’t even know you have yet you got

capacity more than what you think in the

enemy is a liar and he will tell you you

can’t take it and if I was the devil I

would tell you that you cannot take it

right when you are on the cusp of a

breakthrough that would revolutionize

your entire generation you got to

understand the timing of the attack the

enemy’s resources are limited so when he

rose up on you hard it’s because you’re

in the middle you’re getting ready to

burst groups and everything is getting

ready to change

and you gotta recognize that I do have

what it takes I can’t take it stop

saying I can’t take it

now the obvious things we’re mature I’m

not talking about abuse of any form

let’s just qualify that because the

enemy’s slick I love somebody the

enemy’s slick and so a week and we’ll

try to put that word on you now you know

you can’t go nowhere you put your hands

on me watch how fast I go you have never

seen anybody go as fast as I will call

if you put your words on me real good –

amen I better move on so don’t give up

before you grow up talking about the

tension what to do in the tension rules

the tension is normal

I need tension what valuable thing in

life is produced without Jim

it is not foreign I hear I hear one of

the writers saying think it not strange

I think it was Peter or James so just

read the whole Bible you’ll find it but

he said think it he said think it not

strange concerning the fiery trial as if

some strange thing happened to you he’s

like who lied to you and told you that

this is strange just because it’s pain

doesn’t mean it’s strange it’s a part of

the refiners process right so don’t give

up before you grow up to make marriage a

mirror not a window and then three and

this is my favorite one sparring in

marriage is okay but never compete

sparring sparring you think about

sparring and boxing the person that you

are sparring with is on your side that’s

why it is a sparring partner I believe

in moments of tension it is okay to spar

as long as you spar with an

understanding that now can you imagine

sparring and in the person you’re

sparring partner knocks you out

I mean that person had something in his

heart no it’s okay to spar

listen Jacob wrestled with God rat

wrestling is okay but but there have to

be rules to wrestling right

first of all everybody all parties

involved need to understand that this is

just we are just trying to develop

something so so so you can’t be sparring

and the other person fighting and an

environment so kate is far I love with

my wife talked about earlier

she talked about speaking up not being

silent yes can I just be honest for a

second

my wife said no help me out a little bit

so I like like listen in another life I

was an attorney and my wife calls me an

attorney now because I will bring in

facts evidence witnesses over what we’re

gonna see what we’re gonna watch at the

movies tonight you know I will bring in

everything I will plead my case we will

have a jury trial and my wife early on

was just the opposite she anything that

looks like it is confrontational at all

and confrontation is not a bad thing

it’s just how you do it right

God confronts us all the time life

confronts us so it’s not a bad thing you

have to face things right to confront to

front to face something you got to do

that marriage right but anyway my wife

she and I do that and so I’d be over

there like baby and it’s just my

personality I’m passionately I got 11

years in business a bunch that’s just

who I am I’m a negotiator that’s what is

what I do

and I would ultimately be trying to get

us to something and for me that

something would just be unity in some

sort of way and she would just like shut

down something they’re sparring and

she’s just standing there but but here’s

the thing it was my fault because if I’m

gonna draw her into sparring I’ve got to

create an environment where she feels

comfortable and she feels safe she’s got

to know that her words matter that she

matters and that I’m not fighting her as

my opponent there’s only one opponent

and that opponent is disconnection

that’s what we’re fighting against it is

disunity and so after a while did not

drew in and so I switched the game up a

little bit and I started like you know I

just changed my changed the way I engage

my approach and now she she starts the

sparring sometimes now but it’s amazing

because we’re not trying we’re not

competing against each other and we’re

not trying to be right we are wrestling

come on like Jacob and God we are

wrestling because if we don’t deal with

this then there’s gonna be a disconnect

in our marriage and if you leave just a

little bit of room something unsaid it

gives the enemy foothold in our life

what am I saying

how do I tie this up and wrap it in the

bone allow you to take it home what I’m

saying is it’s the you factor I have to

become something no I get to become

something that I can never become

outside the context of marriage why

marriage because of the proximity

there’s no other relationship on the

planet that will force you to look at

yourself like a marriage marriage is

more about looking at you than it is

about looking at anybody else

don’t give up before you Grob marriage

is all about growth growth that you

would never sign yourself up for you

would never grow in these areas in fact

you wouldn’t even know that you need to

grow in these areas so if you feel the

tension you feel the pressure God’s

trying to grow you he’s trying to cause

you to be something and when you become

it you can pass it on to your kids

there’s some people in here and you’re

gonna start a whole new thing in the

back line of your family make marriage a

mirror i’ma look at me not gonna look at

her I’m not gonna look at him when

there’s an issue the first person I’m

gonna look at is myself got who do I

need to be and then I’m okay with

sparring I’m okay with speaking up as

long as I know who my opponent is and I

want to pray for you and I’m trying to

figure out the best way to do this

why don’t we all stand for a second

marriage is all about you but God he did

this but God she did that God he never

Lord she never got a saying but what

about you who do you need to be to

facilitate their growth

can you be a reflection of me in that

relationship if you hear

and you say pastor I get it

what I’m gonna do

as I’m gonna work on becoming I’m gonna

work on me I’m convicted not condemned

I’m convicted I’ve been looking at this

thing the wrong way

and I subscribe to the notion to the

idea that it was too hard I was getting

ready to give up and I had God saying if

you would just allow me to grow you up

it’ll be worth it I want to pray for you

father I thank you so much

for this moment that you brought us in

to goddess incredible conference so much

information so much impartation so much

revelation and God now will be one is

transformation we acknowledge Lord that

that salvation is the first step

transformation is the destiny god we

thank you for the person that you placed

in our lives they’re not perfect

nor are we but you gave them to us

no God give me the fortitude give me the

strength

give me the determination not to quit

but to embrace the growth that I need in

order to be who you created me to be

God any place where I have fallen short

of that forgive me Father I pray God if

there’s healing that needs to take place

if I’ve been impatient with my spouse if

I’ve been overly critical forgive me and

let a healing take place as what was

prayed earlier we’re gonna forget those

things that are behind and we’re gonna

step into this new reality

this new season this new commitment to

love better even through the tension

especially in the tension make us better

in Jesus name Amen amen god bless you

love you

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

you